What We Desire
by truelovemd
Summary: This will be a MerDer multipart fic that starts with the episode Desire and runs to the end of the season MerDer style.
1. Epiphanies, and Other Wonderful Things

O.k, so here is my second fanfic. It starts in the episode "Desire", with a few changes. If people actually like where I'm going with it I'm hoping to do a multi-parter that takes us to the end of the season "MerDer" style. So, this is a MerDer fic, and I apologise for any spelling or grammatical errors. Hope you enjoy it, please review!

Btw; I do not own Grey's, if I did there would be no Lexie and lots of MerDer fluff :)

Something was wrong, not that it surprised her; because really, when it came to Meredith Grey it seemed that rarely anything was right. But as she lay there watching Derek look at the ceiling that uneasy pit formed in her stomach again. It was the same feeling that had her telling him exactly what she was doing all day; all in an effort to be communicating. When he had accused her of mocking him she didn't know how to respond. How was she to know what he was looking for? She was new to this whole communicating relationship thing. So she had done what she did best, she avoided that statement and instead undressed in his bedroom and waited for him to come to her. There was one thing she knew about their relationship; they might not be perfect at the whole verbal communication, but when it came to the physical act; there were no problems; at least it seemed until tonight.

It's not that it wasn't good, it was incredibly good; always had been. But that connection that she had been desperately looking for was still missing. As if to prove the point; after they had finished Derek had rolled onto his back. If there was one thing that was supposed to be a given, it was that Derek was a cuddler; he would always turn on his side and pull her her into him and she would just enjoy the sensation of his heart beating against her back. Not tonight though. Tonight he had simply turned over and lay on his back, and even though the distance between them wasn't even 6 inches, it felt like a chasm and it terrified Meredith.

In an effort to be rid of the unnerving silence Meredith did what she did best, rambled. She turned to face Derek and propped her head up on her fist.

"You just can't do that."

"Do what?" He sighed and rubbed his face but still made no move to turn or even look at her.

"You can't look all broody after sex, it hurts a persons ego you know!"

She had expected some sort of retort but was again gifted with another sigh.

"I'm fine"

"You're fine? Are _we_ fine?"

"Sure"

Sure? Derek didn't do one or two word answers, that was her thing. He was the one who always wanted to talk about feelings and stuff, and if she actually thought about it she would realize that he hadn't done that in a long time.

"Seriously? Look if this is about the hovering, I'm sorry. I know you were just worried and trying to be there for me. But it's o.k., really; because now I'm being available; communicating and getting naked, all your favourite things."

"Good things."

"Alright, then what is up with the 1 or 2 word answers, and why are you staring at the ceiling instead of your hot, and need I remind you naked girlfriend."

He finally turned to look at her and she could barely stand to look at the desperation in his eyes.

"It's just, that day I pulled you out of the water, I spent the scariest hour of my life trying to breathe for you. You were so cold, and you matched your scrubs… and I love you and I want you; but every time I close my eyes I see you down in that water and all I can think is that you didn't swim. You didn't swim and you know how to; but you didn't swim. I don't know if I can, I don't know if I wanna keep trying to breathe for you."

At his admission Meredith felt as though an elephant was sitting on her chest. He had been the one to pull her from the water; her night in shining whatever. She didn't know that and she had never asked, she had just been thankful that she woke up. She was so convinced when she gave up in that second that she hadn't thought about any of the consequences, truth be told, she didn't think that anyone would notice she disappeared. She should have known it would be him. It always was, and as she looked at this broken man she blamed herself for her selfishness. Now though, he was telling her he didn't want to keep breathing for her; to Meredith that meant that the time she knew would come had arrived, he was ending it. With that realization she tried to suck in a breath at the sudden pain.

She couldn't blame him, she was beyond dark and twisty and he was, well he was Derek. With that thought her natural instinct for self -preservation kicked in screaming at her to run. If she ran then she wouldn't have to hear him say it was over. She barely survived the first time and right now she knew she wouldn't survive, so Meredith did what came natural she got out of the bed and started dressing as quickly as she could.

When Derek made no move to stop her, it hurt. She looked at him just lying there on the bed staring back up at the rain hitting the ceiling.

"I should go." When he made no move to answer she quickly muttered, "I'll go."

She had rushed out the door and was half way to her jeep when she realized what had happened. He was done, he hadn't made a move to stop her, he hadn't done anything other than just lay there, and that to her, was the worst thing he could have done. It was in this moment, standing there in the rain completely lost that something broke in Meredith's subconscious. She didn't know how long she stood there in the rain, she wasn't even sure what she was remembering, but a part of her knew it was the truth. Maybe it was the brain dying scientific thing, or maybe it was the whole walking into the white light but pulling back at the last second thing but she remembered.

She remembered Denny, and Dylan. She remembered Bonnie and her mother's scrub nurse, Liz. She even remembered Doc and finally her mother and the weight of everything had her breaking down. She started to cry as she remembered Denny telling her why she couldn't give up because he had been right about everything. She remembered the utterly paralyzing fear when she thought that she wasn't going to make it back, she remembered telling them that she felt so stupid for her intimacy issues, and just a whiff of Derek was not enough. She was right, and still when she got back she had just reverted back to her old habits, wasting her second chance, a chance that Denny didn't have or Bonnie and she was _wasting_ it. The tears were stopping and she was just processing everything when her mother's voice was in her head telling her that she was anything other than ordinary and to not be a dam. Instead of crying now, Meredith was getting angry.

Sure she had messed up and she was willing to take responsibility for it, but he was the one who said that he would always be there and then he didn't show up when she had waited. This was enough; she was tired of sitting back and waiting for life to kick her yet again. She was Meredith Grey; she was a fighter and survivor. She had fought to prove her mother wrong for all those years; she had fought through med school. She had survived her father leaving her when she was five, just as she had survived Derek choosing Addison over her. Her coping might not have been pretty, but she was still standing.

A smile slowly stretched across her face, and she had to fight the urge to start laughing. If anyone had seen her standing in the pouring rain, she was sure they would have called the men in the white coats to come and get her. But that didn't matter; because for the first time in what felt like forever she felt like herself. It was almost like being reborn, as cheesy as it sounded. She was ready to scream it to the world, she was Meredith Grey and she wouldn't be a victim anymore.

With a new found strength she turned and headed back to the trailer. She didn't know what was going to happen; but what she did know was that she wasn't just going to accept defeat, nope; she was going to fight; and as anyone who knew the old Meredith would have told you she always won. As she opened the door she noticed that he still occupied the same place in bed that she had left him at.

He glanced up at the door, and she seen the slight surprise on his features. She was sure that with her looking like a drowned rat it probably had shocked him, or maybe it was another thing. Maybe it was the fact that she was still there, and hadn't left, either way she took another step into the trailer, still trying to figure out what to say to him.

She took a breath to steady herself; "I did swim Derek."

He sat up and looked at her and was about to open his mouth to argue when she sat on his bed and continued.

"When I was first knocked into the water, I did swim. But as I fought to stay above the water I couldn't help but remember my mother telling me that I was a disappointment and ordinary. You can't know how much that hurt to hear."

Derek sighed and finally sat up pulling on some boxer shorts before settling back in his spot and just looked at her. As he wasn't stopping her she decided to continue.

"So for one second I thought, what's the point? After everything that's happened this year I thought that the universe was giving me an out. So what if I disappeared, it wouldn't matter; life would go on just as it had if I were still here. I'm not proud of it Derek, but the fact remains that I just was at that point where you don't know what to do. It seems like throughout this entire year as soon as I thought I had found my even footing something happened that pulled the bottom out from under me. So I stopped swimming; and as I made that decision I realized my mistake, but it was too late to fix."

"Meredith, why didn't you come to me? I could have helped."

"When was I supposed to go to you Derek? When you were trying with Addison and it was killing me to watch you with her; maybe after you called me a whore because you thought I had slept with Finn. I'm not saying that this is your fault, but you want the truth and the truth is Derek that you have hurt me this year. Even though you have hurt me, I did come to you Derek; that day that I tried to warn you about my mother and when I tried to come to you for any kind of comfort you just dismissed me, and even if you didn't admit it then; I knew that it had to do with something my mother had said to you."

Derek sat there in shocked silence. He had been the one who wanted to communicate, but he hadn't been expecting that. He was trying to digest everything she had said to him. He knew he had hurt her when he chose Addison but he thought that they had left it in the past. But as she sat there telling him what he had thought he wanted to hear he realized that it wasn't. It was very much in the here and now. As for Finn, she hadn't slept with him; and yet she stood there while he yelled at her and didn't offer any kind of argument even though he was completely in the wrong. How could he have been so blind? How could he not have noticed the damage he did himself? He had spent the last month since her accident struggling with himself to figure out how o help when the whole time he had so many of the answers already. Some knight in shining whatever he had turned out to be. Instead of saving the girl he just kept hurting her.

"I'm not blaming you Derek or trying to make excuses. I'm not even going to try and justify what I did, because I can't. It was wrong and it is something I will regret for the rest of my life; I was so caught up in my life that I almost lost everything that is important to me. But now I see, even though I came back I still might lose the most important thing. When I left just now, I realized something Derek; I realized that I was so busy playing the victim that I was wasting my second chance. So here it is Derek; if you want communication, the truth; this is me; I am somebody who is dark and twisty, likes her tequila and used to sleep with inappropriate men. I know I'm damaged, but I am trying to fix it, and I don't want to give up on us, and I don't want you to give up on us. Not now. I don't need you to breathe for me Derek, but I do need you to breathe with me because at the end of the day it's you, it's always you. I don't have a pretty speech about cheesecake and music but I am asking you one more time to choose me. I know it's going to be hard, and I know that we've hurt each other and you have every reason to run the other way, but I hope you don't."

She took a breath and sat there, she tried not to fidget, but it was hard; because now she had just put herself out there for him again and if he decided not to take the chance then she would have to live with it. She wouldn't be happy, but she made herself a promise that no matter what it was time for her start over.

Derek sat there looking at her; had she really just said that. He almost wanted to pinch himself because there was no was that Meredith, not his Meredith whom had never had a real relationship had just laid her heart out on the table; but it wasn't a dream. She had just given him one of the greatest gifts he had ever received, her trust. He couldn't fathom it, after everything that had happened she was still willing to try. Sure, she didn't swim; and he would always have a bit of fear about her letting go again. However, couldn't he sympathize, hadn't he been the one to tell Meredith that he was drowning and she was his breath of fresh air? He wanted to call himself a hundred names for all that he had put her through and he swore to himself right there that no matter what, they were going to make it through, because she was right. At the end of the day it was always them.

What had been a minute had felt like hours to Meredith sitting there watching Derek to see if she could glimpse what he was thinking. He had too good of poker face though and it wasn't until he got up to sit beside her that she realized she was holding her breath as it all whooshed out of her. Do or die time.

He sat down beside Meredith and looked at her. He marveled at how this woman who looked like a strong wind might blow her over had still managed to have more strength than most men. Even sitting there soaking wet she was beautiful and she was his. But there would be enough time to show her later, right now they had to talk.

"I'm sorry, Meredith"

Something simple could have so many different meanings and she wasn't sure if it was good or bad, but at least it was a start. He reached over and held her hands between his.

"I'm sorry that I was a coward and stayed with Addison. I know you said before that it was good that I was trying and that it was who I was, but it wasn't. It wasn't me, because if it was, when I realized at Christmas that I loved you and told Addison that fact it should have ended there; but it didn't. For that I am sorry."

She squeezed his hand urging him to continue.

"I am also sorry for the fact that I let my jealousy hurt you. I had no right to insinuate that you were a whore. I was trying with my wife and you were trying to move on but I couldn't let you. I couldn't because then that would mean that we were over and I would not accept that; and instead of doing something about it, I just lashed out and hurt you just so you would feel the pain that I felt when I saw you coming down those stairs in the t-shirt and all I could picture was him touching you with his hands and they weren't supposed to, it was only supposed to be my hands."

Her eyes were tearing up and Derek was quite sure that he had them in his eyes to, but he needed to finish because it was what she deserved.

"I know that I'm sorry isn't much considering the amount of pain I caused you but I do want you to know that I am, and I promise that I will make it up to you no matter how long it takes."

She was crying openly now as she looked at this amazing man, she didn't realize it but she had needed him to say that.

"So can I take that to mean that you're not going anywhere?"

"No Meredith, if you'll have me then there is no place else I'd want to be. You were right, we've hurt each other and we have a lot of work to do on our communicating, but I think we're going to be that couple."

"What couple?"

"The couple that everyone's envious of their connection, the couple that no matter what will always wind up back together, we're two halves of the same whole."

"_Derek believes in truelove, and soulmates.._" Denny's voice floated through Meredith's mind.

"You are seriously corny Derek, but I think I can handle that."

"Good because this is the happily ever after part."

"I think somebody might have told me that before."

"I'm sure that it won't be the last time you hear it either." With that he leaned over and kissed her.

In that kiss alone, Meredith felt the connection that had been missing, like she was coming home after a long journey; which in a way she was.

"So about this whole communication thing, would now be a good time to tell my boyfriend that I want him to join me in the bed naked now."

"I think that can be arranged."

They both smiled as they lay back on the bed to work on their communication with out words.


	2. Old Habits

Thank you so much for your reviews, here is the next part (my version of the other side of this life). Please don't hate me but Susan does still pass away but I use it for good instead of evil (like somewrite coughShondacough. Anyways, I hope you enjoy this chapter.

Disclaimer: Don't own Grey's, not now or ever sigh

Thump!

Meredith rolled over and glared at the alarm clock as though it was at fault for her waking. She just barely made out the 4 when she realized she didn't have to be up for another half hour. She turned over to get some more well deserved sleep when she heard it again.

Thump!

She groaned and looked at Derek, and when he didn't make any move she nudged him, probably rather sharply but hey, she was the intern that needed sleep and hadn't had coffee yet, so oh well.

"Hmph, what the hell, what time is it?"

"4 o'clock."

"Okay, why are we up, I thought we had til 4:30?"

Thump!

Meredith rolled her eyes as she heard the noise again; "that is why we're up. Seriously my snoring used to keep you awake and yet you manage to sleep peacefully through _that_?"

"We're in the woods Meredith it's just a raccoon or something." He leaned over to give her a good morning kiss, why not use this extra time for something more fun.

Meredith could definitely get used to this wake up call. She had lost any thoughts as Derek's tongue explored her mouth and his hands gradually slid over her body. She jerked away as she heard another loud thump.

Derek sighed; he knew that there would be no chance of getting any if he didn't take care of the little bandit so he dragged himself from the bed and retrieved his boxers that had been discarded the night before.

Within a minute Derek had stumbled out of the trailer and Meredith heard some more loud thumping and what she assumed were a few choice words from Derek before he reappeared looking rather disgruntled. He just simply fell back to the bed and looked at her.

"Are you alright?"

"No."

"Why?"

"Because he managed to get into the luggage compartment."

"That's not a good thing is it?"

"No it's not."

"I see."

It wasn't even a second later that she had leant over and brushed a quick over his lips. It was so quick he almost thought he might have imagined it. He simply raised his eyebrow giving her an inquisitive look.

"What was that for, not that I mind the kissing; more kissing I say." They chuckled at his use of the phrase from the time when she had been unable to keep her line drawn.

"I just thought that I'd help you to get rid of the frown. You might be getting old; but that doesn't mean that you need wrinkles."

She laughed at his incredulous look.

"I'm not, I am not _old_. I'll have you know that I am in better shape than most 30 year olds. Just let me show you how old I am." With that he pinned her to the bed and proceeded to show her and she was more than happy to comply.

It was quiet; it wasn't the same kind of quiet as yesterday where you felt as if you were suffocating. No this was a good quiet, one where you could just take comfort from being in the same space as the other person. After they had managed to leave the trailer they decided quickly that it would be easier to just take Meredith's jeep, as they were both off at relatively the same time. Now as the site of Seattle Grace came into view she thought it would be the perfect time to ask.

"So I was thinking that maybe tonight we could grab a pizza and head back to my place. We can go to the trailer and pick up your car, but sleep at my place. It's not that I don't like the trailer, I do. I love the fact that you live in a trailer; not because it's where you belong but because it's you. It's just that with the raccoon visitors and the cold I thought it might be a nice change to stay at my place. If you don't want to then that's completely alright, I just thought that I might put it out there."

Derek looked at Meredith and fought to keep the serious look on his face to make Meredith squirm. She deserved it! She had called him old! Seriously though, she was absolutely adorable when she rambled, so it was soon that he was wearing a smirk.

"You're cute when you ramble."

"I did not ramble!" He just looked at her; "okay so maybe I rambled, but that doesn't change the point I was trying to make."

"Yes, you're right. So you want to stay at your raccoon free, central heated home; I was actually going to suggest the same thing." Which was the truth; while he loved his trailer there was also something to be said about modern conveniences.

"So that's your angle!"

"What's my angle?"

"You're just using me for my central heating, and to get away from the raccoons. I'm on to you!"

He laughed, "You're right, how ever will I make it up to you?"

"I can think of many ways for you to make it up to me Dr. Shepherd, many ways."

As they entered Seattle Grace they were both laughing. When they arrived at the interns locker room Meredith placed another quick kiss on his lips after she made sure there was no one around.

"So with the exam this week, my O.R time's going to be pretty limited; so I'll see you at lunch?"

"Definitely."

"Good."

"Just think, this time next week you'll be a resident. Imagine all the fun to be had."

She couldn't help but laugh at the mischievous glint in his eyes.

"First I have to pass the exam you know."

"I know, and I also know that you will pass it with flying colours, quite simply I believe in you."

"Thank you, but I better get changed for rounds. I don't want to have to do rectals for the last week of my internship because I was late. I'll see you later."

With that she turned and went into the locker room. She didn't want to admit it to Derek but his saying that had meant the world to her; nobody had ever said that to her.

As she entered the locker room she was relieved to find it almost empty, with the exception of course of Christina being there.

Christina was shutting her locker and clipping on her pager when she noticed Meredith.

"Oh God! It's 5 in the morning Meredith, and you're happy; and you don't smell like tequila so you're not drunk! I'm going to kill McDreamy for ruining my person. Now you're going over to the happy people dark side with George and Izzie and I'm going to have to befriend evil spawn. Oh this is so not happening. Listen to me Mer, I need my dark and twisty tequila drinking girlfriend. I mean how am I going to survive this wedding if I don't have you bemoan the nuisance with me."

Meredith laughed; she had been doing a lot of that this morning and it felt good.

"I am not going over to the happy people dark side Christina." At her friend's skeptical look she continued. "I'm not; I am still the same old dark and twisty, tequila drinking Meredith. I just decided that instead of sitting here sulking I would take a more proactive approach to my problems." She shrugged.

Christina looked at her as though she had grown a second head. "Let me get this straight. This more proactive approach means what exactly? You're not going to do the whole avoiding repressing thing, and no more whining? Can I get that in writing?" Although Christina would never admit it there was a small part of her (an infinitely small part) that was happy that Meredith finally seemed to be healing; even if it was because of the jerk McDreamy. She quickly received a face full of shirt that Meredith had thrown at her. Before she could respond the rest of the interns piled in the door followed shortly by the nazi herself.

"Alright, listen up. The intern exam, the exam that will determine your fools future is in 3 days, therefore as of now there will be no more O.R time until after the exam. Don't roll your eyes at me Yang, I seen that; do you want to be doing rectals for the next week, didn't think so. As of this moment every spare second that you have will be spent studying, I will not have you failing and smearing my reputation. If I see any of you within so much as 5 feet of an O.R. you will think that I was cute little kitten at the beginning of your internship; do I make myself clear, good. Karev & Stevens you're in the pit. O'Malley, scut. Yang & Grey you're in the clinic. Well do I look like I need my time wasted people, get going!"

And so another day at Seattle Grace begins.

"Hey Patricia, would I be able to see Richard?"

"Of course Dr. Shepherd, one second; Dr. Webber, Dr. Shepherd is here to see you. Alright Dr. Shepherd go right on in."

"Thanks Patricia."

"Good morning Derek, I didn't expect to see you this morning, if this is about yesterday…"

"Good morning Richard, and it is about yesterday but not what you think. Richard, I know I would make an excellent chief of surgery. I have the skills and the abilities and can handle the responsibility, but you might have been right, which is why I want to formally withdraw my name from the running."

"Derek, I'm quite surprised to hear that. Not that I'm questioning your decision, but what brought on this change of heart. Yesterday you were adamant."

"I know, but a lot can change in a day. Yesterday, yesterday was not a good day for me Richard. When I left your office, I had actually convinced myself that maybe it would be worth ending it with Meredith, just to get this promotion. I mean I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that she had given up, and didn't swim; and I didn't know if I could continue to wait for the other shoe to drop. So when I went home last night and Meredith showed up I did something stupid. I told her that I knew she gave up and I told her that I didn't want to keep trying to breathe for her."

Derek shook his head and stood up and began pacing, just thinking about what he had almost cost himself last night still left an unsettled pit in his stomach; but it was alright because his Meredith was back. The Meredith that had kicked him out of her house the morning after they met, the one he had walked into the interns locker room to see her pinning Alex Karev to the lockers, the same intern who had tried to resist him at first which resulted in him chasing her all the more; and finally the Meredith that had told him she loved him. She might not have said it to him again yet, but he understood and was going to be patient because she was more than worth it.

"You didn't want to breathe for her? So what changed because I can't understand you coming in here to take your name out of the running if you're no longer with her?"

"She changed; and it was amazing; and that is why I knew that you were right because I never realized that she had changed in the first place. It wasn't until last night when she came bursting into my trailer soaking wet I realized I hadn't seen that spark in her eyes anymore; and it was then that I realized that I had stopped paying attention, even before she didn't swim because if I was honest with myself then I would realize that ever since the whole Addison fiasco she hadn't had that spark. It was my fault for not noticing, and there are no excuses, so when I thought about what you said about being able to do it all I realized you were right. Being chief is something that I have always dreamt of, but I forgot that dreams aren't carved in stone; they change, and mine have. So if I am only ever head of Neurology, then so be it because at the end of the day it's just a job; it's not who I am. Who I am is a man that is hopelessly head over heels in love with Meredith Grey and is lucky enough for her to love me back."

"I'm glad to hear that Derek. I know it seems like it was unfair, but I didn't want to see you make my mistakes if I could help it. I'm glad that you came to this decision. I have to admit though, I'm a little sad because I know you would have made an excellent chief of surgery."

Richard reached forward to offer his hand, which Derek gladly accepted.

"Thanks Richard, I know I would have made a good chief, but now I'm getting something so much better."

"You are, and I wish you all the luck Derek."

"Thank you, now I need to be going I have a tumor to remove and I want to be done so I can have lunch with Meredith."

"Alright Shep I'll see you later."

As Derek made his way to the attendings locker rooms he felt as though he were on top of the world. He knew that he still needed to share with Meredith what he himself had just realized in the chief's office and for once he looked forward to it. To them this time actually getting to know each other and being a couple and all the perks that came with.

Clinic was boring; the only thing that made it worthwhile was the fact that Meredith had Christina to quiz her for the exam and vice versa.

"Can you believe that we have no surgeries for the next 3 days. I mean c'mon, shouldn't hands on experience count for something? All I know is if I get rusty and kill someone when we can cut again it's on Bailey's head."

Meredith couldn't help but laugh at Christina's dramatic gesture.

"So how goes the wedding planning with Mama and Mom?"

"Don't ask, seriously, I don't know what in the hell possessed him to tell them we were getting married. I said we should have just called them the day we were doing it, but nooo he thought that it would give me chance to get to know his mama. I mean Mer seriously, they're acting like this is some big huge event!"

"Ah, Christina, hate to break it to you but it kind of is."

"No it's not; a big huge event is our intern exam in three days that I should be busy cramming for, not looking at table settings and flower arrangements. Oh I forgot the best part."

"Do I even want to ask?"

"Probably not, but since you aren't whiny anymore now you have to listen to me. They decided that I need to have bridesmaids; bridesmaids Meredith! I don't know how much more I can take!"

"Christina I'm sure it's not all that bad. Think of it this way; since it's your day you get to boss them around, you're in charge and I know how much you like to have power."

"First off Meredith, it is that bad; though you might have something with the whole making them as miserable as I am."

"I didn't say…"

But she was cut off as Christina continued as though she hadn't said anything. "No, you're right it could be fun. Maybe I haven't been looking at this right way."

"You mean where you are marrying the man you love?"

Christina snorted at that. "Yeah right Mer, this is me, not Izzie. I don't do the whole love is patient and kind crap; I do the whole it makes sense that we work so well together. By the way when did you get all mushy with secret feelings? Just wait, when it's your turn you're going to get to feel this pain and when I'm all sunshine and fluffy puppies and you want to ring my neck I'll just remind you of this. Ha!"

Meredith couldn't help but stop and think of the day that Derek had asked her about marriage. It was probably the absolute worst time for it. She had just had the fight with her mother and they were at this horrific accident scene and yet he had asked her about marriage. What had she done; dismissed it with barely a shrug of her shoulders, it didn't seem to matter then. Now though; as she gave herself a minute to think she couldn't help but wonder why had he asked? The better question was did she want him to ask? Sure, right now they were good, well they were working towards being good but the whole marriage thing it was a big step. One that she knew from personal experience ended with disaster.

People like her didn't have the happily ever after that Derek had spoke of. No they had the few moments where it wasn't completely dark, but that's just it moments; and you took those moments when you could get them. What about Christina though? Wasn't she one of those dark people? She might not be twisty but she had the whole dark and sarcastic thing going on; and yet, here she was planning a wedding to the man that she loved. She was actually going for the happily ever after, maybe it should give Meredith hope that it wasn't just about moments anymore. She noticed Christina giving her a funny look and saying something.

"Seriously Mer, where'd you just go cause I know you weren't listening; which means now I have to ask the stupid question again; thanks for that."

"What question?"

"Will.you.be.my.maid.of.honour?"

She pronounced each word as though she was talking to a 3 year old and Meredith couldn't help but want to laugh at her expression. It was a cross between confusion and frustration.

"Sure, whatever; but if you think you're going to boss me around, and put me in a pastel dress you have another thing coming."

She was saved from Christina's retort as the clinic doors opened and a patient came in. Not just any patient, her fake mommy as Alex had called her; Susan Grey.

"Hey"

"Hey, sorry I'm late but I had a surprise visitor at the clinic this morning."

"Anyone I know?"

"Susan, actually."

"Is she alright?"

"OH yeah, she's fine. She had a bad case of the hiccups so Dr. Bailey gave her chlorpromizene and it stopped. She was asking me about studying for the exam. I guess one of my sisters is just starting her residency this year."

"Wow, that's a lot to take in. Was your father with her?"

"No, which is really for the best anyways I mean, it would just be awkward and I know she would mean well but it's just not something that I want to deal with right now you know."

"I know what you're saying, so are you alright?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"Because I know that sometimes you can feel suffocated even if the individual isn't meaning to."

"You mean like you?"

"No, well yeah, but I just want to make sure you're alright. It can't be easy hearing about your fathers other family, and it wouldn't make you a bad person if you did feel angry."

"I don't know how to explain it. I know I didn't tell you this before but Susan came over that night that you didn't answer your phone."

"She did? The day that she had brought the groceries?"

"Yep, I had spent the day trying to push her away, and not very politely either; and then she just showed up at my house."

"What did she want?"

"She called me on my attitude. She explained that she felt partially responsible for the fact that my father never took an interest in me after he left; that she had been too concerned with them being newly married and this was her way of trying to make up for it. She wanted to find a way to be there for me. It was rather interesting because from there she rambled until she came to the conclusion that she was overstepping again."

"Really?"

"Yep, but I told her that as far as mothers go, I've only ever known overbearing. This whole overprotective thing was new to me"

"Wow."

"I know."

He stared at Meredith; in fact he did it for so long she got nervous.

"Do I have something on my face?"

"No, it's just; that for someone who's never done this whole communicating relationship your handling it amazingly well. I'm just proud of you that's all."

"So do I get a gold star?"

He laughed and she smiled.

"No, but I can give you something much better than that tonight."

"I'll hold you to that. Seriously though, I meant what I said Derek, about wanting this. So as long as I don't scare you off with my dark and twistiness, then I will try to keep talking."

"That's all I ask."

As they shared a kiss the beeping of a pager broke through the tranquility.

"Crap, it's me. So I'll see you at 10 right?"

"I'll be waiting in the lobby."

"Good."

Derek was at the nurses station filling out a chart when he seen her walking by and smiled as he called out.

"Meredith!"

She didn't stop, pause or even acknowledge that she had heard him. She just kept walking, and it was something in the way she walked; looking as though her shoulders held the weight of the world that worried him. He seen Miranda and Richard next, and he started walking with them.

"What happened?"

They all stopped to look at Meredith walking across the room to a man.

"Is that Thatcher, what's he doing here?"

Richard and Miranda both turned to look at Derek and he knew he wasn't going to like what he was about to hear.

Miranda took a minute to get herself together before she answered. "Susan came in this morning with a case of the hiccups.."

"I know, Meredith mentioned it earlier, but she said that you sent her home fine."

"We did, then she was back an hour later because the acid reflux was acting up again and the hiccups had returned with it. So we discussed it with Susan, and suggested doing a endoscopic gastriplication; which she agreed to. After the procedure we discharged her into her husbands care but once again she was back in an hour. Apparently she was suffering from nausea and had a fever, we admitted her and started her on standard antibiotics. Once she stabilized enough we were putting in a central line so we could discharge her. It wasn't until after the surgery we noticed that she was again running a fever, by the time we realized it was sepsis we were rushing her into the O.R. Unfortunately she coded before we got her there."

"Susan's _dead_!?" Derek couldn't believe it, she had been so full of life, and now she was gone. Again his eyes trailed over to Meredith.

"Wait a minute, Meredith is telling her father. She can't handle that, she barely speaks to him as it is, how can you ask that of her!"

This time it was Richard that answered. "Meredith was there when Susan coded; she wanted to be the one to tell him, I didn't want to argue."

Derek shook his head. Of course Meredith would want to be the one to tell him. She probably felt as though she owed it to Susan, she had just been starting to accept her and now she was gone. His heart broke a little more for her as he thought about her losing someone else that she had cared about or at least been starting to care about. His musings were interrupted as he heard raised voices across the waiting room. He, Richard and Miranda turned to see the scene unfolding.

It was in that moment that he had a disturbing moment of clarity, before he knew it his feet were taking him over to the scene to stop what he knew was coming next; but it was like he was in slow motion.

"SHE TRUSTED YOU! YOU SAID IT WAS A SIMPLE PROCEDURE, NO NEED TO WORRY!"

"It was.." and that was all that she had got out when a resounding THWACK sounded in the room. It was as though the world had turned the mute on everything with exception of that sound. His heart stopped as she cradled her cheek and turned and within a second was running. He tried to stop her, to hold her to offer some sort of consolation but she pushed him away with a force a woman her size shouldn't possess. Then she was around the corner and gone.

She had pushed him away; wasn't it just yesterday that she had been saying that she was going to let him in, and then she just pushed him away. He had to push aside his hurt while he dealt with Thatcher.

If everything was in slow motion before, now it was fast forward and he was dimly aware of Richard and Miranda behind him but they weren't fast enough. He saw red as he remembered the way Meredith's head had snapped to the side from the force of the blow. Derek abhorred violence against any woman; but when the woman in question was his Meredith, there would be retribution. The sickening crunch that was Derek's fist meeting Thatcher's jaw brought Derek some satisfaction, but it was cut short as he felt Richard restrain him from doing any further damage.

"How dare you! Do you realize what you've done? She did NOTHING wrong."

"Susan was all I had; and because she trusted her she'd dead!"

If Derek had been his normal rational self he might have pitied the man in front of him. Instead all he saw when he looked at him was Meredith's broken expression.

"You HAD an amazing daughter. When you realize what you had and lost in Meredith I hope you feel complete misery. So help me, if you ever come near her again I will personally kill you with my own two hands." With that he shrugged out of Richards grasp and stormed away. He had to find Meredith; she may have pushed him away but that didn't matter. What mattered was that she was hurting and he was going to help her, just like she helped him last night. They would work through this together; because after just having a glimpse of his Meredith again he wasn't going to let her go.

What had she been thinking? Did she seriously think that just because she had an epiphany that her life was going to magically work out all sunshine and roses, be serious! There was always another shoe, and she knew it.

She curled further into a ball and she thought back through the day. It was amazing that just this morning she had been having a somewhat normal conversation with her father, now he looked at her with nothing but loathing. She couldn't blame him either; it was like a horrible game of dominoes gone wrong, all these little things that added up to Susan's death. She should have paid more attention, but instead she just chalked it up to post op complications, smooth really Meredith. All she could think about was how unfair it was; Susan had a new granddaughter that she would never see grow up, two daughters that Meredith knew she loved.

Her father had been right; if Susan hadn't of trusted Meredith than she would still be breathing and smiling. It just reinforced her belief that she truly was a disease of darkness that infected the bright things around her. She thought of Derek's face when she had run away from him and started sobbing even harder. She should have left last night, she shouldn't have went back, now she had hurt him again and she was positive that was all she was meant to do to him.

She was so lost in her jumbled thoughts that she didn't hear the footsteps.

Derek had immediately ran to the interns locker room hoping to catch her but she wasn't there; from there he had proceeded to check to make sure her jeep was still in the parking lot, which to his relief it was. He had asked her friends if they had seen her and they just shook their heads and he was on his way again. It felt like he had been searching for hours with only one thought of finding Meredith and making sure she was alright. It wasn't until he remembered Bailey muttering something about an abandoned intern hang out that he took off running because he just knew that was where she would be.

He heard her before he seen her, the sounds of her sobs breaking his heart. All anger and frustration that he had felt had left him the instant that he took in her disheveled form. She looked so small and dejected with her knees pulled to her chest and tears tracking down her face.

He hesitantly took a step forward "Meredith?"

Her head snapped up and he winced at the purple bruise already developing on her cheek. Her eyes looked around frantically as though she were a trapped animal looking for an escape.

"Derek, what are you doing here?"

He sighed knowing this wasn't going to be easy; "I came to make sure you were alright."

"I'm fine." Derek cringed as he heard the answer he had been expecting.

"Meredith, your father just slapped you across the face, you are NOT fine."

She got up to stand in from of him as though that would help her convince him that she was fine. As she was standing there she came to the conclusion that if she did love Derek then she would save him from herself before she truly broke him.

"But I am fine Derek; I killed his wife, I probably got off easier than I should have."

"You did not kill her Meredith, the sepsis did, not you."

"No, she trusted me, and I kept telling her that everything would be fine. I should have paid closer attention instead of just putting it off to post op complications."

"Then why is Bailey not also responsible for her death. You are an intern, Bailey is a resident; are you saying that Bailey was negligent?"

She knew what he was doing, but she wasn't going to let herself off that easily.

"Of course not, but Bailey wasn't the reason why she was so willing to try different treatments. No, she was trying to give my father and I a chance to talk. Instead, whatever possibility of a relationship there was has been burned to the ground along with everything else."

"What else?"

"Look Derek, I was wrong. I can't be that girl that you want me to be, I tried but I just can't so just save yourself the headache and walk away. You can take my jeep to the trailer, I'll just wait for Christina to get off shift and I'll come pick it up. Alright?!"

He stood there shocked, had she really just told him to walk away? Did she think so little of him that she thought that he wouldn't stay? As she made to walk by him he grabbed her elbow and turned her to face him. He looked at her eyes and saw all the pain there, he wanted to do nothing but hug her and tell her everything would be alright. First though he had to make her understand.

"No, it's not alright Meredith. How can you expect me to walk away, did last night mean nothing to you?!" He saw her flinch at his accusation, but he pressed on.

"I know that you lost someone you cared about today Meredith, hell she was more of a mother to you in this past month than your own mother had been your entire life. I also know that you have been through hell this year, and I know that I am even the cause of some of it; but I'm not walking away again Meredith. I tried that once and it was the stupidest decision in my life. You want to be angry, then be angry. You want to try and push me away; then go ahead try but I will not leave. After all the dust settles I will still be here, take all the time you need. I love you, it's that simple."

She stood there staring at him as though he had lost his mind. "You're missing the point Derek, what you're looking for I can't offer you. I don't have a happily ever after, all I have is dark and twisty so here's your out. I don't want to be responsible for dragging you down, I can't I care about you too much. So if you love me then you will walk way like I asked."

She was stubborn, and while most time he admired it about her, right now in this instant he wanted to shake her because of it. It seemed as though the words weren't getting through so Derek did the next thing he could think of; he pulled her to him and crashed his lips against hers. She fought him at first but soon gave in. When he finally pulled away he looked her in the eyes and saw the tears glistening.

"I love YOU Meredith Grey, I love your passion, your dark & twistiness, your snoring; everything about you. You have a heart so beautiful but you've had to hide it for so long you don't know how to let anyone in, so I'm asking you to trust me, let me in. You are my happily ever after, I will take the good, the bad and the ugly but as long as I have you It doesn't matter."

At his confession something broke inside her, or maybe a better description something finally opened, her heart. The tears started slowly at first, but the they started coming in a steady stream; she felt her legs give but she didn't hit the ground. No instead she was lifted up into a strong pair of arms. She was vaguely aware of him sitting on the gurney and settling her on his lap. He just kept rubbing her back, telling her that it was going to be alright.

"My…fake…mommy is…dead." She was desperately trying to catch her breath.

"I know."

"Why does everyone…I care about…leave…me?"

Derek felt tears in his eyes at her question. He had no answer, so he pulled her closer, trying to give her comfort through their physical connection.

"It was just..she was so nice..and I was actually getting to know her and now…" she trailed off into sobs once more.

He stroked her hair and when she finally started to settle down he tipped her face to his and wiped the tears with his thumbs.

"Susan was an amazing person; it's not fair that her time was cut short, but that is not your fault. She would be the last person to blame you, do you hear me Meredith? She trusted you because you were a good person, nobody could have predicted what would happen."

"Thatcher blames me."

Derek tightened his grip as he thought of the older man.

"There is no excuse for what he did to you Meredith, right now he doesn't realize because of the grief but he just lost another wonderful thing from his life."

Her tears finally stopped and she looked at Derek as she sniffled. She was exhausted, had it really just been this morning that she had decided that she was going to be "bright and shiny"; it felt like a million miles away right now. As she looked at Derek she could almost convince herself that everything would be alright, how she wished she could have his confidence.

She slowly stood from his embrace and instantly missed his warmth.

"Can we go home now?" She sounded defeated as she said it so quietly he had to strain to hear her.

"Of course, I just need to change then we can leave."

"Can we just meet at the car, I don't really want to see anyone like this."

"Not a problem, do you want me to walk you out?"

"No, I'll be fine. Derek?"

"Promise me you won't leave."

She had this shy yet hopeful look on her face as she waited for his answer.

"From now til eternity, I will always be there."


	3. And The Truth Shall Set You free

First, I want to say thank you so much for all the wonderful reviews. I wasn't sure about what people would think, but I am so glad yo are enjoying reading it. So here is the next chapter; it picks up where the last one left off. I hope you enjoy it, and please review, Thanks :)

Disclaimer: Grey's, not mine.

And The Truth Shall Set You Free

Derek rushed to get changed; he didn't want to keep Meredith waiting. His mind was still trying to process the events of the day as he rushed out the door and straight into Richard.

"Do you know what your little stunt back there could have cost the hospital Derek?"

"I don't care Richard; suspend me if you want; hell, fire me; but I will not apologize for doing what we both know was right. You seen what he did to her, I don't care how grief stricken he was; there was no excuse. He's lucky that you were holding me back or he would have come off a lot worse. Now if you'll excuse me, Meredith is waiting."

Derek made to go by Richard but felt the older mans hand settle on his shoulder.

"I'm not going to fire or suspend you Derek; as Chief though I had to say something, you know that. However, as the man who cares about Meredith as if she were his own daughter I'm asking you how is she?"

Derek roughly drew his hands through his hair "she's a mess and broken Richard, and with everything that has happened this past year I don't know if she'll ever be fixed. Right now I'm just scared because I know how she deals; she's going to avoid and repress until she's suffocating under the weight of it and then.."

"She stops fighting."

"Yeah, sometimes it feels like its one step forward and ten steps back and its getting frustrating, y'know?"

"She's a Grey Derek; she had Ellis for a mother. She's been taught from day one that emotions were something that made you weak, and weakness would not be tolerated. You can't expect that to change overnight. All you can do is make sure you're there for her; even when she pushes you away or shuts down your going to have to be willing to go that extra mile, because that is all she's known."

He nodded at Richards's words, he knew he was right, and in the end he would be there to pick up the pieces but first she had to let herself break and he didn't know how to help her with that.

"Richard, I know the intern exam is in a few days, but would it be possible for Meredith to not be here tomorrow, at least. I'm not sure how well she's going to cope, so if you don't mind?"

"Not a problem Derek, I'll reschedule your surgeries and let Bailey know; you just take care of her."

With that said Richard walked off and Derek picked up his pace to the car. At least he had a day to help Meredith deal with this, it wasn't much but it would have to do. The only question was where were they going to go? He loved Meredith's house, but sometimes it felt more like a home for wayward interns then her home and he didn't want her to have to deal with everyone. The trailer unfortunately had the whole raccoon problem, so that was out. As he arrived at the jeep he had an idea. He could see her sitting there in the passenger seat waiting for him. He took the time to really look at her before she noticed him. She was staring off into space with no real emotion; she was shutting down.

As he got into the car she turned to look at him. With her swollen eyes and slightly red nose she still looked beautiful to him.

"Sorry it took me a little longer than I intended. There was a last minute thing I had to attend to."

"Its fine, I just want to get home and changed before I have to see everyone."

"What do you mean see everyone?"

"Everyone decided that since we were two days away from the exam that tonight we would start a marathon cram session at midnight. Izzie's baking and there will be lots of coffee to get us through."

"I think they'd understand and not hold it against you if you weren't up for it tonight."

She looked at him incredulously; "have you met Christina? Might look tiny but can be a rather big pain in the ass. I don't think she'd appreciate being left to evil spawn, Barbie and Bambi. Besides, no matter what happened today the exam is still in two days now, that doesn't change."

"You're right, it doesn't. But I still think that you should skip the cram session tonight, besides being with me is much more fun." If she was going to do the whole avoiding thing he wouldn't push her, at least not right now.

"I know you are; but there are priorities to consider, we can have all the fun you want when I'm a resident."

He simply nodded, thinking that she was right about priorities; she just needed to adjust hers right now.

"Derek, you just missed the cutoff."

"No I didn't."

"We agreed to going to my place tonight remember? You have raccoons visiting plus the whole study session, not to mention that 4:30 comes far too early."

"I never said we were going back to the trailer either, and you don't have to worry about 4:30. Though you should call Christina and let her know you won't be joining them tonight."

She was starting to get frustrated; "what are you talking about Derek? If we're not going to trailer then where are we going? What do you mean I don't have to worry about 4:30?"

"We're going to check into the Westmore, enjoy lots of room service, and you don't have to worry about 4:30 because you aren't going in tomorrow and neither am I. So go ahead and call Christina."

"What do you mean..what did you do Derek?"

"I simply spoke to Richard and explained that we both needed the day, so he graciously agreed."

He couldn't be serious, but as she looked at his expression she knew that he was.

"You had no right Derek; you are not my boss and you are not responsible for telling the Chief that I need a day off. I can't right now Derek; don't you get it. I have the exam that my entire future is riding on and I need to be prepared."

"You're wrong Meredith, I do get it. I get that right now you want to throw yourself into anything so long as you don't have to think about what happened. I get it better than most because that's what I did when I left you for Addison. It doesn't solve anything though Meredith, it just delays the inevitable. So whether you like it or not you are not going to the hospital tomorrow. If you want to spend the day studying, then hey I've done the exam before remember? I can help. If you want to actually discuss what happened today then I would be more than happy to listen, but you're not going to overload yourself again Meredith. End of discussion."

She was fuming; here he was telling her that he was trying to save her. She didn't need to be saved, well okay maybe a small part of her did but that wasn't the point. She knew what he was afraid of, of her giving up again. She wasn't going to; but right now she couldn't deal with the mess that was her life without breaking down and even if she had let him in to her heart part of the way, she didn't know if she would be able to give it over to him completely; the thought alone terrified her. If she knew anything of Derek Shepard, it was that he was an amazingly stubborn individual, so she resigned herself to the fact that she would not be joining the others tonight, or for that fact tomorrow.

As she spoke with Christina Derek inwardly smiled to himself; he had been prepared to go 10 rounds with her if necessary. He wasn't sure if it was a good thing or not that she had given in to him so readily but he would take it.

"Just so you know, Christina is seriously going to kick your ass, and I'm not going to stop her."

"I think I can handle Yang, a few good surgeries will probably get me back into her good books."

"You're probably right; maybe I need a new person?"

"Please, you're Ying to her Yang."

She laughed and it sounded like a beautiful song to him. "Derek, that was seriously bad, even for you."

"You wound me Dr. Grey, if you're not nice I'll keep you hostage in bed for the entire duration."

"As opposed to keeping me hostage in the hotel?"

"Touche, seriously though Meredith; I'm just trying to help the best way I can, but I need you to work with me, okay?"

"Fine, but like I said before I'm dark & twisty Derek, and you might not like what you find."

"I doubt that Mer, everything about you is beautiful to me."

"Cheesy."

"You love it." He could tell by her grin that he was right in that fact.

As they arrived at the hotel Meredith took in the impressive view; the hotel was situated on the coastline so no matter what room you would still have an impressive view.

"Derek, aren't we kind of underdressed?" as she took in both their appearances, jeans with long sleeve shirts.

"It's not about the clothes, it's about the attitude. Something I picked up while in New York. So long as you have the pretty gold car; they are more than happy to accommodate. So c'mon, let's get inside."

As they entered the lobby it was just as impressive as the outside. High ceilings, marble tiled floors, crystal chandeliers, she felt like a little kid afraid to touch anything. Derek though seemed to be at home. She again had to envy his confidence, and it made her curious as to just who he was when he lived in New York.

As they approached the check in the woman seemed to give them a disdainful glance that Meredith was sure to mean, you so couldn't be serious.

"Yes I'd like a suite for the night please?"

"Sir, I'm sure there's a quaint little bed and breakfast just up the road that you would be more _comfortable_ at."

"I'm sure your right. However; my beautiful girlfriend here and I were more interested in a suite with a nice eastern facing balcony so we could watch the sunrise. I'm sure you take Gold Card, right?"

Meredith had to bite her tongue to keep from laughing at the woman's face as Derek extracted the Gold Card from his wallet and laid it on the counter.

"Of course sir my apologies, so you said an eastern facing suite with a balcony?"

"That would be wonderful yes."

"We have one available, with the Jacuzzi as well, would that be to your satisfaction Mr?"

"Dr. Shepherd actually, Dr. Derek Shepherd."

"Alright, now I assume this will be going on your gold card then?"

"Please, what time is room service available til?"

"We have a 24 hour chef available, are there any more questions? Okay then, the total for the room will be $1800.00, any additional expenses will be added at checkout; would you like me to have someone help you with your bags?"

"No we're fine, have a good evening."

"Thank you; enjoy your stay."

When they entered the elevators Meredith couldn't keep it in anymore.

"Oh my God, did you see her face; I mean she looked at us like we were a couple of bums and then you pull out the card and…it was fricking hilarious; but $1800.00 for one night Derek, have you lost your mind?"

"No, what's the point in making good money if you can't spoil the woman that you love every once in a while."

"You better watch it mister, or I might just get to liking this being spoiled thing."

"I hope you do. I want you to have everything you ever wanted, and to be happy."

Just like that; the moment had gone serious and Meredith lost her breath as she looked into this mans eyes. They held so many emotions she couldn't believe that it was all for her. Maybe there were happily ever after's and maybe she could finally enjoy hers. She was snapped out of her thoughts as the elevator stopped and they stepped out.

"Are you alright? You kind of zoned out there for a second."

"I'm fine, just doing some thinking; you know you really are McDreamy."

"Only for you Mer, only for you."

As you entered the suite there was something like a living room with a beautiful antique looking sofa and chair set situated in front of a rather large entertainment center. There were French doors at the other end of the room that she was sure led out to the balcony. Then there were two more doors, which she guessed to be to the bedroom and washroom. She dropped her bags and turned to look at Derek, whom she caught looking at her.

"Like what you see?"

"Very much, why don't you go check out the washroom, maybe soak in the Jacuzzi and I'll order some room service and join you."

She opened one of the doors and it was to the bedroom. It had a giant 4 poster bed, like something out of a medieval castle. She couldn't resist lying on the bed and it felt like the softest mattress she had ever been on. Apparently $1800.00 got you a very nice room, as she stood she ventured over to the adjoining washroom and felt her jaw drop. It had to be at least as large as her master bedroom at her house, the Jacuzzi tub was huge and there was a glass shower room is the only way she could describe it because it was way too large to simply be a shower, it also had a bench she was sure her and Derek could have lots of fun with.

She started filling the tub and when she turned she froze as she caught her reflection in the mirror. He hair was a mess, and you could see a distinct bruise on her cheek from where her father.. no wonder the woman had looked at them like that, she probably thought Meredith was no more than a lady of the night so to speak. She looked horrible, better yet she felt horrible. How could things have gotten to this point, when had fate decided that she would make an excellent target?

Maybe someone just woke up one day and thought; hey, why don't we just keep dumping on Meredith and see how much she can take before she breaks. They probably had a pool going on how long before she gave up again. As she stripped and lowered herself into the tub she couldn't help but think that the scene was agonizingly familiar. Only this time instead of her private bathroom she was in this large swanky one, but the feelings were still there. Those same thoughts kept plaguing her just as they had after her mother had called her ordinary, that she was destined to do nothing but hurt everyone else. She felt the tears rolling down her cheeks as she thought back to the dinner that she had with Thatcher, Susan, and Derek. She remembered the painful awkwardness between her father and herself and the way that Susan had tried so hard to fix it, to be a buffer like Derek of sorts. How sad was it that her own father really had no desire to be there, but his new wife had forced him to go. How did a parent stop loving their child? That wasn't supposed to happen, was it? No, she remembered being little and jealous of all the kids at school whose parents had always managed to make it to any recital, or awards ceremony. They had parents that loved them, what did she have? A mother who she was sure had wished that she had never existed on many occasions, and a father who was too busy building another new family to care about his old one he left behind. She wanted to quiet the thoughts that just kept rolling through her head giving her a headache. She tried to focus on now, her new family that had loved her and accepted her for who she was; faults and all, no questions asked.

One moment, she thought desperately. She just wanted everything to stop for one moment and she made a decision as she slid down under the water. It wasn't like the last time, where it had given her a sense of control, a reprieve from everything that had been "happening" to her. No, this time; this moment she realized that control was an illusion because the second that she dipped under the water it wasn't thoughts of being alone and disappearing. No this time it was of understanding and acceptance because the minute she closed her eyes all she saw were the intense blue ones that she had seen in the elevator. However, what's unfortunate is that in these few moments that had her coming to this realization, they also had Derek standing in the doorway, heart stopped because of the scene that had haunted his nightmares as he watched her lower herself into the water.

He made his way swiftly over to the tub intent on pulling her up as he had before, and to yell. What he wasn't prepared for was for her to break the surface with a gasp before he had even gotten to her. Within a fraction of a second she was out of the tub, and on her knees in front of the toilet retching. It took Derek a moment to process what was happening before he was beside her, holding her hair back and rubbing her back.

When he was sure she was finished he managed to pull her to him and wrap his arms around her as she continued to gasp for air because she was sobbing so hard. Right now he had so many questions but he knew there would be no point in asking until he could calm her down enough to be able to talk. What had he walked in on? His heart was finally returning to its normal pace after it had seemed to stop the second he opened the door. He had no idea how long they sat there like that; time was not measured in minutes and seconds but in breaths and heartbeats. It wasn't until he felt her shake lightly that he realized that she was sitting there with no clothes.

"Meredith, I'm just going to go get you a robe okay?"

She simply nodded as he extricated himself from her embrace and returned a moment later with a big fluffy white robe. He helped her to her feet then slid it on and tied it up.

"I was coming to tell you the food was here it's probably cold now though." Not to mention that he doubted his ability to eat right at this moment.

He was walking her to the front room where they could talk. The way he held her made her feel like she was a piece of glass that could break into a thousand pieces. No, actually she was broken into a thousand pieces, and she thought that he might just be the only one to help her put herself back together.

They sat in silence for a minute, neither one knowing how to start.

"It's not what you think Derek."

"Truthfully, right now I don't know what to think Meredith. I just know that it scared me."

"I'm sorry; I didn't realize that you were standing there."

He shook his head. "That's not the point Meredith; it shouldn't matter if I'm standing there or not."

She just looked at him then, and that's when he noticed something had shifted in her eyes. Where before there was a veil almost in which she tried to hide from the world, it was now lifted and he saw all the pain, sorrow and anger in their depths. He almost wanted to cry at the sight. Maybe it wasn't what he thought; maybe she was finally allowing herself to break. So he sat there and just waited because he knew something was different this time. Where as with the incident before she had decidedly closed him out; it was like this was a do over and just from looking in her eyes he seen what he needed. So he was patient, and let her come to her own conclusions.

"You know you weren't the first man I begged to stay; sad isn't it. I remember when I was 5 and my parents had always fought. I thought it's what parents did, but they had had this one fight and I just remember thinking that something had changed, and when I seen my father walking out the door I ran down the stairs and clung to his leg, crying and begging him to stay. He just pulled me from his leg and left. No encouraging words, no I love you's not even a goodbye. He was just gone. At five years old your family is your world, you're supposed to believe in fairy tales, have unconditional love, and that's when I stopped believing in both things. For years after I remember being alone at home, my mother was always at the hospital so I just took care of myself; no questions or anything it was just something that had to be done."

As he sat there listening to her speak he realized just how much he must have hurt her when he left, he called himself a thousand names and swore that he world make it up to her. As he looked at the beautifully broken creature in front of him he couldn't believe how cruel and unfair life had been to her; and he marveled at her strength.

"When I was a teenager I was a complete rebel, it pissed my mother off to no end but to me it meant that she was actually paying attention even if it was to yell at me for dying my hair pink, and tarnishing her reputation. I became a party girl, looking for acceptance wherever I could get it. I'm not proud of what I did; but in the end all of my experiences make me who I am now. It was in my senior year of high school that I had decided that I wanted to go to med school. As much as I hated it for taking my mother's time I couldn't help but be idealistic and want to help people."

She stood up and walked across the room out to the balcony. It was a rare clear night in Seattle and she was starting to feel suffocated in the room. She felt Derek come up behind her and wrap his arms around her. She reveled in the amazing feelings this man evoked in her. This was why she was opening all her old wounds; because until she actually healed she couldn't give him everything he deserved and she wanted to so badly have something actually work out for her in the end.

"I studied hard that year, had a 4.0 GPA and was accepted into Dartmouth. I hadn't told my mother that I had applied to Dartmouth with the intentions of going pre med until I got my acceptance letter. When I finally got the letter, I went to the hospital to share my news; she laughed at me. She told me that being a surgeon required responsibility and dedication neither of which skill I possessed. She told me that I would never make it; we had a fight after which I spent the summer backpacking through Europe so I didn't have to see her before school in the fall."

He tried hard to picture his mother saying those things to him when he had told her was going pre med, and couldn't. He knew from what little Meredith had spoken of her mother that they hadn't had the best relationship, and then he had the pleasure of witnessing the destruction that Ellis could reap on Meredith first hand. Ellis Grey may have been a great surgeon, but as a mother she failed miserably.

"I wanted to prove my mother wrong so I spent a lot of time studying, earning top honors for the first few years, and still she said nothing that wasn't scathing. When I was a senior I realized that I wouldn't ever have her approval so I just did what was required and started to party more. It was like I was 2 different people and I didn't know how to reconcile them. I was Meredith, this girl who had potential; even if her mother didn't see it and wanted nothing more desperately than her mothers approval. The there was the self-destructive Meredith, that didn't care what she did as long as she was able to get her mothers attention. Towards the end of my senior year after a particularly nasty fight with my mother, and night of binge drinking I figured maybe I would just do my mother the favor of disappearing. I remember the feeling of the cold metal as I slid it over my wrist."

Derek let her go at that, for a split second leaving Meredith to wonder if she might have said too much. But the there he was in front of her holding her hands. As he stood there silently she knew he was trying to figure out which wrist had been harmed. She wordlessly pulled up the left sleeve and turned it up to face him. As he studied the wrist he saw the faint scar from what she was talking about. He lifted it to his lips and pressed a kiss to the spot causing Meredith to shiver from the gesture.

He couldn't believe that she been so desperate for affection that she had scarred herself in an attempt to get her mother to notice her. What had happened in the bath tub and water that had been about nothing but being overwhelmed; this though, this was about wanting nothing more than a parents love; something that every child was supposed to have, and yet she had never felt. He looked into her eyes urging her to continue.

"My room mate found me, I told her that I had been a bit tipsy and had an accident while shaving. I'm pretty sure she didn't believe me but felt sorry for me so she helped me to clean it up. After that I decided to cut back on the drinking, and I did for the rest of school. When I graduated I had applied to internships all over, New York, Boston, Chicago; but I didn't apply to Seattle. There were too many memories and I decided that I wanted a clean slate; I should have known that fate would have other plans. I hadn't spoken to my mother in over 6 months; so imagine my surprise when she showed up unannounced to my apartment in Boston. We didn't bother with pleasantries, there was no sense we had both said what needed to be said long before that. She told me of her diagnosis of Early Onset Alzheimer's. She knew that I hadn't applied to Seattle, so she had taken it upon herself to talk to Richard on my behalf and had secured me a place in the Seattle Grace Internship Program. Ironic isn't it; I had spent my life practically begging her to love me and take care of me, and then she turns around and tells me that I am to care for her. I resented her for it, even more when she told me that no one else knew of her condition, so everything was simply put on my shoulders, and the twisted thing is I uprooted my life, when she couldn't be bothered to include me in hers for years. So you see Derek, I'm not this amazingly strong, beautiful woman that you think I am; I resented my mother for being sick, how wrong is that?"

"It wasn't wrong Meredith, after everything that she put you through growing up it's to be expected. She left you on your own and then comes back one day to demand that you care for her. The fact that you didn't slam the door in her face is a miracle. What's even more amazing is the fact that you willingly changed your life to help her; that takes a beautiful heart to be willing to do that."

She still gave him a skeptical look but made no move to argue with him.

"I thought that Susan was maybe life's way of giving me a do over. Almost like a reward for stepping up to life's challenges. Now though, I've not only lost one mother but 2."

"I know what Susan meant to you Meredith; and I am so sorry that you didn't get more time with her. She cared about you; I think she showed you what you had missed out on for so many years, which makes it even more bitter sweet."

"Doesn't matter though; the end result is the same, I have no family; I'm alone."

She was instantly wrapped up in Dereks arms, "you're not alone Meredith; you have me, I can be your family. You also have Christina, George, Izzie and Alex. Family is about more than blood Meredith; it's about being willing to do anything for someone you love. Don't doubt that we would do anything for you, ever."

Derek was right, she had her friends; and with them and Derek she knew that she wouldn't have to worry about being alone.

"What do you say we go in and make use of that comfy looking bed, I think we could both use some sleep; don't you?"

As he looked into her face he saw the exhaustion, tonight had to of been difficult for her. Derek though, was still trying to process everything she had shared with him. It explained so much, and while it was distressing to have learned of her troubled pass, he couldn't help but feel happy because she had let him in. He had no doubt that she had never shared what she had tonight with anyone else, and to know that he was worthy of her trust, well there was no feeling quite like that.

She followed him into the room going over the night's events. She was terrified; she had put herself out there with him again and she still remembered how it had ended last time. She stopped and Derek turned to look at her "what's wrong?"

She chewed on her bottom lip, like she always did when she was nervous. After everything she had shared with him she still felt a weight on her chest; there was still something that she needed to say to him and it terrified her because once it was out there, you couldn't take it back. She threw caution to the wind; "I love you Derek."

She watched as his face split into a grin so wide she thought it might split his face and he leaned over and kissed her and as their tongues explored each others mouths she knew he felt the same way.

When they drew back each other breathlessly he leaned his head into hers and said the most beautiful words she cold have heard right then; "I love you Meredith."

With that they made their way to the bedroom, where they proceeded to show each other just how much.


	4. To Ask or Not to Ask

I am sorry about the delay, between Father's day and hubby's birthday I haven't had a chance to get near a computer. I want to thank all of you for your amazing reviews, and your help with my grammatical errors (sorry, I'm trying, but I was never really good with the grammar.)

Anyways, here's the next chapter, it's kind of an in between part; what happened after the slap and before the funeral. It has some fluff, and there is also another big thing coming into play for the next chapter that wasn't in the show, but was something I wanted to include. Sorry for the rambling, please enjoy and review. Reviews make me bright and shiny.

Disclaimer: Don't own Grey's, wish I did

Bright, that is the only thing that registered as Meredith thrust the pillow over her head to block out the morning sunshine. She grumbled as she thought that one of the reasons that she usually loved to live in Seattle was because it was normally gray and overcast, much like her disposition. It was then that it occurred to her to panic because the sun hadn't woken her since she had started her internship. She was ready to fly out of bed when the events of the day before came flooding back and she remembered that she had no where else to be today. She took the pillow and placed it behind her head as she relaxed back into the comfy bed, trying to enjoy lying there. She wanted to roll over and go back to sleep, like she had when she was back in college. It was always her ritual to stay in bed to the absolute last possible second, but now that she worked at the hospital her stupid intern alarm clock wouldn't let her. She looked over at Derek envious of the fact that he was able to sleep no problem while she was lying there wide-awake.

She waged an internal battle with herself about whether to wake him. He looked so peaceful and she could tell that he was exhausted, but as she looked at the alarm clock she realized it was already 9:30 and if she wanted to get in a decent amount of study time then she was going to have to get started soon; she decided to give Derek 15 more minutes before she invaded his dreams.

With the decision made she rolled over onto her back and resumed staring at the ceiling going over the last 24 hours events. She gently brought her hand to her cheek and made a mental note to invest in some cover up so she could avoid the inevitable questions regarding the bruise; not that the whole hospital wouldn't know by now anyways. If only it was as easy to cover up the bruises on ones heart and soul she mused. Cover it up until it healed, but then she guessed that was what her whole repressing, and avoiding issues had done. They had covered up the problems, but unfortunately it didn't allow her to heal; now she was working on fixing that though with Derek's help.

Derek, he seemed to be her salvation in the mess that was her life; she had meant it when she told him that she didn't need to be rescued, but that didn't mean that she didn't want his help. It was disturbing for her to realize how close she had come to losing him, and without even knowing that she was doing it. It was just facts that Meredith Grey had always had to care for herself, and be in control, show no weakness; and while it made for a good surgeon, it didn't make for a good girlfriend. That was the old Meredith Grey anyways. The new Meredith, she was trying to be better; not bright and shiny, she doubted she ever would be with her past, but she didn't want to be dark and twisty anymore, maybe she could be a happy medium; tinted and slightly curvy. What a mouthful.

As she lay there lost in her thoughts it occurred to her that she already felt different, that this was the first time in a long time that she hadn't woken up with the 10 lb weight on her chest, she felt lighter. Who knew that talking about stuff could make one feel so much more light; as she glanced at Derek she realized that of course he knew, but she wasn't about to tell him he was right; no he already had a big ego and she wouldn't be responsible for boosting it more.

It was funny when she thought back a few months (was it only a few months?) to when she had woke up with an utter lack of hope, and now here she was waking up with her McDreamy; with the chance to have a Mclife with him and all she had to do was let go. Let go of the past, the guilt, and the anger. It was frightening to Meredith how simple it seemed because life, while it wasn't meant to be as hard as hers had been she had also learned that nothing in life was simple. Anyone who knew her track record understood why she was a bit apprehensive in light of the facts. She was terrified truth be told, because she was putting herself out there again and the last time; well it hadn't gone well (understatement of the century) but she knew if she didn't try then she would always regret it; because Derek was that guy. The one that had you dreaming of happily ever after, the one that just had to simply give you a look on an elevator to have you making out with him, the guy that you don't leave if you can help it and in Meredith's opinion this time she could help it.

He was worth it, he was worth the pain of opening up the old wounds because if last night had been any indication then he would not judge her, he would simply offer her support and help her to heal eventually, of this she was sure. She still didn't understand how he could not be put off by her scary damage and love her; it didn't make sense, but for once she was going to be greedy and take all that she could get.

"How long have you been awake? And why are you smiling? I thought you abhorred the overly happy morning people like me?

When she hadn't noticed Derek was awake he took advantage of the fact and looked at her face, even in side profile he could tell she was deep in thought by the way she chewed on her lips. The night before had been amazing, and not because she had finally said I love you, but because she had actually opened up to him; he wasn't naïve enough to think that everything had been fixed in one night but what he did believe was that for the first time in a long time they were both finally on the same page and looking to achieve the same goal. When she turned her head to look at him he almost winced at the bruise on the side of the cheek, he ran his hand down her face cautious of putting too much pressure on it. How he wished he could have saved her from that event, but dwelling on it did nothing to change the fact that it had happened, and maybe it was a catalyst of some sorts for their relationship, because he knew that had she not been willing to share this with him then they would be on a very different path than they were right now. That didn't matter because today was a new day, and the first day of they're happily ever after as he had called it.

"I still do so don't go thinking that's going to change any time soon; I still don't understand how anybody can be so cheerful in the morning without the help of caffeine, it's one of life's mysteries to me. It's almost 10 and if I want to have a chance to do any kind of studying we should get going soon."

She went to stand up but not two seconds later Derek had wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her back down to the bed.

"I don't wanna get up yet, I want to lay here with my amazingly sexy girlfriend, and we could always study the human anatomy." He grinned at her.

A grumbling coming from her stomach cut off her retort.

"You're not hungry are you?" Derek teased.

"Well we didn't get a chance to eat last night, and I'm pretty sure the last thing I had was a candy bar from the vending machines."

"Okay, seriously I am going to have to explain to you how the whole eating healthy thing works."

"I know the basic food groups; pizza, chips, coffee, candy bars, and tequila, it pretty much sustains me."

She couldn't help but laugh at Derek's face. "Just because I don't eat cardboard for breakfast doesn't mean I'm not healthy. Go ahead; give me a thorough physical exam if you like." She turned to him the robe coming away to expose her chest and watched as Derek's face formed what she had come to call his dirty smile.

"As much as I would like to Dr. Grey, I'm thinking that if we start something we're not going to finish for a very long time and as I recall you wanted study time today."

She stuck her tongue out at him and he quickly pulled her into a kiss. When they broke apart she just lifted her eyebrow at him; thought you didn't want to start something we weren't going to finish?"

"When you put your tongue out like that I can't help myself. I don't have a lot of self-restraint if you hadn't noticed."

"You don't say? Fine, if we're not going to make use of the bed we might as well get ready to head home. There should be some cold pizza left over I'm sure for breakfast."

"How about I make you a deal? On our way back to your house we'll stop and I will grab something to make an appropriate breakfast with, and you will have to do nothing but sit and wait to be served. Then when we've had a proper breakfast we can get down to studying, deal?"

"Deal."

As they both got dressed Meredith took another look around the room. "You know it's a shame that we slept through sunrise, I bet it would have been nice."

"I'm sure it would be, next time we'll just have to make sure we're up in time to see it."

"Next time?" You sound pretty sure of yourself."

"What can I say, I told you the first night that if you got to know me you'd love me, I didn't lead you wrong did I?"

"No, but you also didn't mention that you had a wife either."

"Right, so how long am I looking at before I don't have that thrown at me, ballpark?"

"Seriously, secret wife equals at least 5 years. Cheer up, it could be worse; you could have told me that you and Mark were secretly gay lovers, which would be about 10."

They were walking out of the room as he finally found his voice "wrong, that's just wrong Meredith; now I have bad images in my head."

"Well if you're good I'll think about giving you a few good images when we get home.

They checked out, made a quick stop so Derek could pick up some breakfast essentials as he called them and made their way back to Meredith's house. No one was home as both Alex and Izzie had a 24-hour shift that had started at 5 that morning.

Meredith grabbed the paper and let Derek and herself in before proceeding to survey the damage that had been caused the night before with the cram session. She had to admit she was surprised, the only evidence that they had been there were Calley's infamous flash cards sitting on the coffee table. Sometimes it really came in handy living with a neat freak like Izzie.

She followed Derek to the kitchen to put on some coffee as he unloaded his bags.

"So what are we having for breakfast?"

"I thought we'd keep it light and simple; fruit salad with a bagel and cream cheese."

"Sounds good, although is that really making breakfast? When Izzie makes breakfast she usually does something like pancakes or French toast, actual cooking; that's just slicing and spreading."

"Really, would you like to make it then?"

"Let's not go that far, I was just saying…" She ducked as an oven mitt went flying at her head.

"Maybe I should reconsider your overly cheerful morning person status, now you just seem cranky."

Derek laughed; "why don't you go and get your books together, and I'll bring this out when it's done, okay?"

"Okay, but don't forget the coffee."

"I know it's one of your basic food groups."

It didn't take long for her to gather her things, so she decided to settle down in the den and read the paper while waiting for Derek. She was scanning the first page when she came across the death notices and she started to slightly shake as she read:

GREY, Susan Grey of Seattle, Washington passed away quite suddenly on Wednesday May 23, 2007. Her husband Thatcher Grey, two daughters Molly & Lexie and granddaughter Sarah survive her. Funeral services are to be performed at Our Lady of Hope, Friday May 25, 2007 at 9:00 a.m., with burial to follow.

There it was in black and white for all the world to see, she knew that it shouldn't surprise her, hadn't it been a month and a half ago that she had read another Grey obituary, only that one had been about her mother. How funny that these two women who shared the same last name, had so different of obituaries. Her mothers had gone on about her many achievements in the medical field, and mentioned Meredith, as no more than an after thought; that was really appropriate considering the way she was when she was alive. However Susan's it was about family first and foremost and her heart broke even more for Susan's family as she thought about the loss they would feel with Susan being gone. It really wasn't fair.

Derek came into the room but the smile dropped form his face immediately when he noticed Meredith sitting there pale and shaking.

"Hey are you okay?"

She didn't get a chance to respond as she bolted and Derek noticed what was lying in front of her; Susan's obituary. He quickly followed her and found her in the washroom again retching. It was more like dry heaves as she hadn't had anything in her stomach, and he just sat there and rubbed her back not saying anything. When she was finished she leaned back against the vanity, but unlike the night before there were no tears. Derek wasn't sure what to make of that. He waited a few minutes and when she wasn't making any move to say anything he spoke.

"I know it's hard for you Meredith, but this isn't a good way to keep going. You need to eat something, alright?"

She nodded and stood, slightly swaying; Derek steadied her and looked intently at her.

"Dizzy, got up too fast."

"Do you need me to help you down stairs?"

"No, I'll be fine. I'm not really hungry though."

"I know, but you at least need to nibble on something."

They proceeded down stairs and back to the den. Derek quickly scooped up the paper and deposited it on the end table. He watched her as she picked at the fruit salad, and took one bite of the bagel before attempting to eat anything himself.

"It said she died suddenly, as though death was any other way; it's not like it's ever planned. The funeral is tomorrow at 9:00 a.m. I can make pre rounds in the morning and leave from the hospital and I should be able to get to the service, but with the exam in the afternoon I won't make it to the gravesite."

Derek nodded as he listened.

"It's the least I could do, right? Ironic isn't it that she spent so much time trying to get me involved with her family and it takes her death for me to actually see them. Am I wrong? Maybe after everything that happened at the hospital I shouldn't."

He couldn't stand to let her sit there and second-guess her self. So he took her hands in his and made her look at him.

"It's not wrong for you to want to pay your respects Meredith. No matter what the circumstances are it's natural to want to say goodbye."

"I know; it's just going to be hard." As her hand strayed to her cheek Derek knew that she was thinking about what had transpired with her father. "I don't know if I can do it, I know it's a lot to ask, because I'm sure you have surgeries that had to be rescheduled; but do you think that maybe you could come with me. I know I should probably do this on my own but it would be nice to have someone there that doesn't blame me for her death."

How different this was; that Meredith was letting down her walls and asking him for support. There was no hesitation, if that's what she needed he would be there come hell or high water.

"I wouldn't want to be anywhere else other than at your side if you want me."

She breathed a huge sigh of relief at his answer, it somehow didn't seem so imposing if she had Derek there with her.

"Besides it'll give me a chance to wear my handsome black suit."

She rolled her eyes, "you mean you own more than just jeans and flannel shirts."

"I'll have you know that I have a very good fashion sense for a guy."

"Fine Derek, you're a very pretty man, happy. Now could we get to studying?"

They had been studying for hours when Meredith's cell phone rang. She looked at Derek then grabbed it.

"Hello?"

"Is it possible to make a noose out of tulle?"

"Christina? What are you talking about?"

"I should be studying for the most important test of my career; but no, I'm being dressed up like a freaking Barbie. So help me God if I have to get into one more of big fluffy horrors I will not be held responsible. I don't care if I took the Hippocratic oath, someone will be harmed."

"Alright, breathe. What's going on?"

"Apparently my mother and mama decided to suggest to Burke that I should go dress shopping, so he allowed them to kidnap me. Seriously, and as if that isn't bad enough I have Barbie here squealing over every dress! As my maid of honour it is your duty to help me drag the bodies."

"What bodies, Christina, why is Izzie there?"

"Crap, I didn't tell you because you went M.I.A with McDreamy; my bridesmaids are Izzie and Callie."

"Izzie and Callie; what were you thinking?"

"I was thinking that I needed 2 girls and even though I think George is a girl he might not look the greatest in a dress."

"So let me get this straight; you are trying on dresses with Callie, Izzie, your mom and mama?"

"Duh, now that we're caught up you need to get here now, I don't care if you're having hot naked sex, get dressed and get here."

"Where's here?" She motioned to Derek for a piece of paper and pen and quickly scribbled down a name and address and promised her person that she would hurry. As she hung up she saw Derek's questioning gaze.

"Christina's been hijacked and forced to play dress up, she sounds like she ready to blow so as maid of honour I need to do damage control."

"Alright, we should take a break anyways. So how long do you think you'll be?"

"Hopefully not long, I just need to run interfence. We'll pick up when I get back?"

"No problem, I might go and grab some things from the trailer that I need. I'll see you when you get back; go, prevent mass homicide."

She gave him a quick kiss and headed out the door.

As Meredith was driving a thought occurred to her; why not make it official. It's not like Derek didn't already stay at her place all the time so instead of him having to go back and forth to the trailer to get things all the time, why not just move his things. It made sense and the more she thought about it the better it sounded. They could keep the trailer for weekends or something. Besides before Addison it had been the direction there relationship had been headed and she was positive that if Addison hadn't shown up he would be a more permanent fixture.

When Meredith arrived at the bridal boutique she had convinced herself that she would do it, tonight in fact. Why put off anything; if she had learned anything lately it was that life was too short. As she entered she had to bite her tongue to stop from laughing. There stood Christina looking for the entire world like a giant marshmallow. The dress was big, puffy, entirely not Christina. As she approached Christina she seen the look of relief spread across her face. Of course it was short lived as Izzie had decided to come out in a pink monstrosity squealing about it being all pretty. Callie stood there looking as though she longed to smash something, which in her line of work wouldn't be hard for her to find.

"Oh Christina, you look absolutely beautiful, and I think we should get these dresses, they're so bright and pretty, and I feel like a princess." She did a twirl to emphasize the point. "Why do you look like that; it's not very bridey, you should be smiling.!"

"MEREDITH!"

"Izzie, don't tease the caged animal, go and get changed."

"Yang I told you I don't do pastels or bows on my ass." Callie said as she went into the dressing room to change.

"See that is the way to be a bridesmaid."

"What the hell happened to you?"

"Apparently Burke didn't think that I was being serious when I told him I just wanted to elope; now I'm having a wedding with over 200 guests! What was I thinking? I wasn't that's the problem; if I had been I would have realized that this was just insane. I am Chrisina Yang; I'm not the marrying type; damnit I've gone soft. Burke made me soft!"

"Christina calm down; it's going to be alright. Burkes just over excited and wants to share it with everyone. You love him right?"

"Yes."

"He love you too right?"

Christina gave her a look and took a moment to answer. "I guess."

Well then that's all that matters all the rest is just for show, at the end of the day it's you two right?"

"Right."

"Good, now the big question is will it be an open bar?"

Christina snorted, "Of course, like I'm going to make it through the day being sober."

"Then it's settled, everything will work out. Now let's see if we can't find something that makes you look a little less state puft marshmallow man."

"Yeah well I still look better than you."

"You just keep telling yourself that."

It took them about an hour to find a dress that didn't make Christina look lumpy as she called it, and they had decided on the bridesmaid dresses. When she got home Derek was waiting with dinner.

"Hey, how'd everything go? No massacres I hope."

"No, the crisis was averted. Hmmm, smells good; I knew there was reason I kept you around."

"You mean besides the fact that I kill spiders and am the best sex you've ever had?"

"Yes besides that."

As they sat there eating Meredith was trying to figure out the best approach to asking him to move in. He noticed her fidgeting.

"Is everything alright?"

"Yeah, no it's just. Umm, augh!" She was getting frustrated. It sounded so simple in her head, but she couldn't get her mouth to produce the words. Maybe she was wrong and they weren't ready for this yet, sure they had started the whole communication process but it was still new. Before she knew it words were tumbling out of her mouth.

"What would you think if we made this an every night thing, or more like a whenever we're both not at the hospital thing?"

He gave her a confused look which made her feel slightly irritated, how dense was the man he was a neurosurgeon for God sakes.

"Okay let's try this again, how about instead of you having your stuff at the trailer you brought it here to cohabitate with my stuff?"

"You want me to move in?"

She suddenly felt foolish for thinking that he would want to move in already, she was right before it was too soon. She had probably scared him away from the whole crazy commitment lady.

Derek couldn't put into words what he felt at the question. Shock was an understatement, he couldn't seem to get his mind around the fact that Meredith had just asked him to move in. It wasn't a bad thing; far from it. It was one of the most amazing feelings that she was willingly taking him into her space. As he realized what it must have sounded like to Meredith he quickly tried to get his foot out of his mouth.

"I thought it made sense, but you're right; there's nothing wrong with our current arrangement; just forget I said anything; really. I must be tired or something. Maybe he wasn't as in this as Meredith had thought.

"No, I don't want to forget it; you just surprised me. I would love for nothing more than to fall asleep and wake up beside you every day. But are you sure about this? I don't want you to think that I'm pushing you for something your not ready for; because if you're not then I am more than comfortable with what we're doing right now. We're taking this at your pace Meredith, so if you're sure and are asking then Yes, I would love to move in."

"Really?"

"Really, really."

She couldn't contain her excitement anymore so she got up and wrapped her arms around him and kissed him. He deepened the kiss and lifted her as her legs went automatically around his waste. He stumbled to living room and lowered them to the couch. When they broke apart he felt his breath catch because she had never looked more beautiful to him then she did in that moment.

"What say we celebrate, and christen our home?"

"One step ahead of you Mer." They proceeded to christen the rest of the house some rooms twice before finally falling into a restful sleep. Both dreaming of a future that neither had thought they would ever have.


	5. When it Rains it Pours

Okay, I hope that you guys are well. Here it is the next chapter; woohoo! I have to tell you guys that you are absolutely awesome; I wasn't sure how well this story would be received, but you have exceeded all my expectations.

Second, I just want to point out that I know it seems like Meredith is the one doing a lot of the changing but I just believe that with her near death experience she would be the one doing the most growing. I'm not saying Derek is perfect; he has his faults. Some of which I address in this chapter.

So anyways, I hope you enjoy this chapter; and please excuse any spelling and grammar mistakes. As always review make me a happy, happy person.

Disclaimer: Don't own it; wish I did.

Foolish, that's how Derek felt as he lay there in the pleasant in-between awake and asleep haze. He was worried that when he awoke he would find that he was still in the trailer alone, and that Meredith had left, and the last couple of days hadn't happened. He wasn't just afraid; he was terrified because if it had been an illusion then he didn't know if he would be able to continue the charade that he had been keeping up after witnessing (even if it was imaginary) the changes in his Meredith. It was as if his Meredith had finally woke and brought back the piece of them that he had just realized had been missing.

Then he heard a sound filter through his subconscious; it was a sound that had once made him cringe and then he had nearly lost it, now though; it made him smile because it meant that it hadn't been a dream; that the last couple of days had happened and that as of now his and Meredith's relationship was as strong as it had ever been. As he opened his eyes and turned on his side his eyes rested on her form. It was still dark outside but the light of the moon gave her an ethereal glow as though she really were the angel that Derek had thought her to be. He pulled her close to him and inhaled the sweet lavender scent of her hair.

He had no illusions about today; it was going to be one of the hardest days that Meredith would have to face and he knew that. Part of him wanted to scoop her up and take her away from the pain that he knew was waiting for her; but he realized that he couldn't so he promised himself that he would just be there to support her whenever she needed it. As he lay there he allowed himself to think about how close they had come to losing one another because of their stubbornness in admitting to each other that they needed one another. He had almost let his foolish pride cost him one of the dearest things in his life; if Meredith hadn't have stormed back into his trailer that night he knew with a certainty that right now they wouldn't be lying here, planning on when he would move in. But she had, and that had saved him from the nightmare that he knew his life would be without her.

If he were being honest with himself he would realize that everything that had happened in the last few months could come back to him. He knew that Meredith had been sliding down a slippery slope, but he had become preoccupied with the race for Chief, so instead of forcing her to talk to him, he let her run and then when he finally realized something was wrong; he did the same thing truth be told. He knew how Meredith worked, he knew that she wouldn't give an inch till she was pushed and instead of him pushing he pulled into himself and pitied himself. When she turned to her friends, he hurt, but how could he blame her? Her friends had been there from the very beginning and they knew that she needed to be pushed and instead of him being glad that she had friends that were like family to her, he resented it. It was completely stupid to be jealous, and he knew it; but there was still that part of him that couldn't get past the fact that she seemed to be able to let them in when he had to fight to get anything. Things were changing now, he had no doubt that what she had shared with him at the hotel she hadn't told anyone; not even Christina and it gave him immense satisfaction that she finally trusted him.

He decided that he didn't want to be that guy, the one that was jealous because his girlfriend was really close with her friends. When he was with Addison he wasn't that guy; he didn't begrudge her the friendship that she had shared with Naomi, or Savvy, so why would he feel differently when it came to Meredith? Deep down he knew why, because with Addison she had included him (and Mark usually) in anything that she and her friends had been doing; Meredith though did not. It was like there was this wall separating him from the rest of her life and he didn't understand why and maybe that's why it hurt for Meredith to turn to her friends because he felt as though he were left in the cold. He was pathetic wasn't he? Maybe she had the right idea, not about completely separating him from her friends and other parts of her life but by being able to have a life outside of Derek, something he wasn't used to.

Anyone who had known Derek growing up could tell you that the fairer sex had indulged him for most of his life because of his charm and good looks. In high school he and Mark had both been players, but in college; even after he met Addison she had made him the center of her world, how egotistical did he sound. He cringed as he realized maybe he was an arrogant ass because he expected the women in his life to cater to him, wow wouldn't Freud have a field day with him. But Meredith was different then any other woman he had ever cared for. Where they were falling all over themselves to cater to him, she had made it clear on numerous occasions that she wasn't that girl. She was right when he had first met her and she said it was the chase; although it wasn't the chase in the sense of her meaning, it was the challenge that this tiny woman with ineffectual fists mounted to him; that she wouldn't give him her undivided attention, he had to earn it, and that quite possibly is what made Derek fall in love with Meredith Grey.

"Again with the staring at me sleeping, did you forget your earplugs last night?"

"No, and I was not staring."

"Were too."

"Was not, I was admiring my incredibly sexy girlfriend, something completely non stalkerish."

"Non stalkerish? Is that even a word?"

"It's 4:00 in the morning, so yes it is a word."

"Alright then, by the way good morning." She leaned over and gave him a kiss.

"You know I think I'm going to like being your roommate."

"You're not a roommate Derek; they don't get the perks that you do."

"Such as?"

"The nice private bathroom so we can enjoy our joint shower, you know for water conservation concerns."

"Of course, we have to be environmentally conscious; it's for the greater good truly."

They laughed as they stumbled into the shower; "what do you say to a bit of morning exercise?"

"Are you implying that I attempt the bendy thing this early in the morning?"

A grin spread across Meredith's face; "well you know how important it is to keep in shape later on in life?"

Derek made no response simply cornered her to show her just how in shape he was.

They cut their workout short, as today was not a day to be running late. It should have been a happy morning; they were moving in together, taking the next step in their relationship; but all Meredith could think of was that she was never going to be able to tell Susan thank you for making her see what was important in life, and not to be afraid to take chances.

They were both in street clothes carrying garment bags as it was decided that they would change at the hospital and leave from there.

"So I'll do morning rounds and then meet you at the nurse's station?"

"That should give me enough time to talk to Richard, and then I'm yours for the rest of the morning. I'm not going to ask you if you're alright because I know your not but if you feel like you need some help breathing just let me know okay."

She nodded her head in appreciation; she was already going to have to do the "I'm fine" thing with her friends, she was grateful that she didn't have to with Derek.

"So the exam is at 11:00?"

"Yeah, I just hope I studied enough."

"I'm sure you'll do fine Meredith, you'll even give Yang a run for her money."

"I don't know about that; so what are you going to do tonight while our house is overrun with women for Christina's bachelorette party?"

He smiled at her use of our house; "I'll probably just throw Burke's over at Joe's seeing as my trailer isn't big enough to entertain really."

"That's probably a good idea." A second later she looked at him again. "What do you mean throw it at Joe's? Why are you throwing Burke a bachelor party?"

"Isn't that what a best man is supposed to do? I realize I was married a long time ago but I didn't think things had changed that much."

"They haven't. But, wait you're the best man?"

He couldn't help but laugh at her confused expression. "Yes, Burke called me yesterday and asked me, I guess his friend couldn't make it."

"Why didn't you say something last night?"

"Well I was to busy celebrating with my girlfriend and didn't really want to interrupt said celebrations with news about Burke."

"This is great, now I don't have to worry about making a complete fool of myself dancing with a total stranger and making awkward conversation. Plus you know, I get to see you in a tux."

"Yes, but I would much rather see you without your bridesmaids dress."

She just rolled her eyes at him as they pulled up to the hospital; "so I'll see you at 8:30 then."

"I'll be there."

It felt weird to Meredith as she approached the intern's locker room to think that as of next week this would no longer be her locker room, that she would be a resident. In a million years she would never have believed that she would come through this journey with so many scars and still be hopeful about her future. Maybe for once life was going to come down on the side of Meredith Grey. As usual she found the locker room empty with the exception of Christina. She turned to hang up her dress and get changed waiting for the inevitable morning monologue from Christina; except this time Christina said nothing, Meredith turned to her friend and seen her just looking at her.

"Christina, are you alright?"

"Shouldn't I be asking you that question?"

"I'm fine." At Christina's skeptical expression Meredith continued "Fine, I'm not fine, but really it's not going to change the fact that I am going to Susan's funeral today."

"So McDreamy is going with you."

"Yes, I asked him to and he agreed. He also told me this morning about his being Burke's best man. Should I be thanking you for that?"

"I just figured when Burke's friend backed out why not have Sheperd, they kind of get along and I figured with the last few weeks you'd been having you'd be getting drunk and his being your chaperone would be an excellent way to avoid the whole sleeping with inappropriate men thing. I mean it's my wedding night so I can't be there to fend off all the losers for you."

"Great Christina, thanks for thinking of me, I really appreciate it."

"Whatever, so now that we're done with the whole your little problems I have a big dilemma."

"Which is?"

"Burke wants us to write our own vows! I mean c'mon, if it was a medical journal then no problem, but being the warm mushy vow writing girl, so not me. So I need you to help me; I mean you do a lot of whining so you should be good at coming up with crap right?"

"Flattered, really. Seriously, why don't we wait until tonight and we'll get Izzie drunk and get her to do it, she is way better with the secret mushy feelings than I am, even if I am tinted and slightly curvy now."

"Tinted and slightly curvy, what the hell are you talking about?"

"Never mind, just don't worry; we are going to get your vows written, and you are going to get down that aisle and get your happily ever after because I need something to believe in again; alright?!"

"Right, so my wedding is all about you, got it."

"Can you believe that as of Monday we're no longer interns?"

"As long as we pass the exam I can."

"Comforting Christina, really."

"What, am I supposed to do the whole inspirational chariots of fire thing; hi I'm Christina, not Bambi."

"Sorry forgot, anyways, it's just going to be weird not being Bailey's interns anymore. Unless of course she gets chief resident then we get another fun filled year, but it's still strange."

"Whatever, I'm just looking forward to being able to cut with minimal supervision, ooh and also having interns to boss around; that will be fun."

"Crap we have to go; if we're late Bailey is going to kill us."

Derek knew that he would find Richard in front of the board; sometimes he was very predictable.

"Good morning chief."

"Good morning Derek, how is everything?"

Derek knew by everything Richard meant Meredith.

"She's coping as best she can, but at least she's letting me help her."

"I'm glad to hear that. Was there something you wanted?" Chief eyed the garment bag Derek had casually thrown over his shoulder.

"Actually, now that you mention it; I know that I was off yesterday and will be off part of tomorrow, but I really needed to get this morning off so I can go with Meredith to Susan's funeral."

"So she is going then, I had seen it in the paper and wondered. You know that I can have Gonzales cover your craniotomy, however I don't know if you heard anything on the news on the way in but they found 3 of the 4 missing climbers, they're being brought here within the next ½ hour; I wanted to have all of my attendings available seeing as our interns are sitting there exam this morning."

"Alright, what if I get all the preliminary tests done and then go to the funeral with Meredith; we have to be back by 10:00 so she can be ready for the exam and with the amount of tests that are going to be needed I doubt that I would be able to do much more than that anyways in that amount of time. I promised Meredith, and I really don't want to break it."

"I understand Derek, of course that would be fine. I'll have you paged as soon as the ambulances arrive." With that the chief turned and walked away.

After Bailey had ordered all her interns away from the E.R, O.R and clinic and told them that they would be studying they had caught wind of the incoming mountain climbers and were therefore near the bay when they were brought in.

"Oh man, did you see that? That guy's hands are completely frost bitten, he's going to need a complete amputation, and oh look at that guy with the crushed ribs, 10 to 1 says that something got punctured. This is so not fair! Why can't we study while fixing blood and guts, I'm a multi-tasker."

All the interns had to agree with Christina but were unable to voice an opinion as just then Bailey rounded the corner right into them.

"What about this is studying? Did I not say that you were to stay away from the E.R., O.R., and clinic today? But noo, my suck ups are cocky and think they know everything. Well if you know so damn much how did you not know that if I don't see you disappear in the next 5 seconds, I don't care if you're residents I will make sure you are on scut for the first month, do I look like I'm kidding. Go, study now!"

With that they all scampered away knowing that tone well enough not to even argue.

Meredith found herself in the locker room going through the motions of getting ready, slipping the black dress and shoes on, covering her cheek with her foundation, and running a brush through her hair. The entire time that she had been studying with her friends she had felt them sneaking looks of pity in her direction. It was almost a relief to notice that it was 8:00 and she had to leave to get ready. She knew they were just concerned, but all she really wanted was for them to let her forget about it, if not only for an hour but she knew better. She really had to finish getting ready if she was going to meet Derek by 8:30.

Derek was waiting by the nurse's station in his black suit and she thought he was right; he was handsome. It was really weird actually to see him in the hospital and not in his navy scrubs, and she had to wonder, as she looked at the obviously expensive suit what his life in New York had been like. He simply nodded to her as she approached and they walked over to the elevator. The elevator was empty and had it been any other occasion they might have slipped in one of their infamous elevator make out sessions but she could barely bring herself to talk to him much less kiss him.

When they walked out of the hospital he had somehow managed to produce an umbrella to hold over them to keep them dry. She had to hand it to Mother Nature she sure hit the nail on the head weather wise for today. Derek helped her into the car, and went over to his side; he put the keys in the ignition but didn't start the vehicle right away, instead he reached over and turned her to face him.

"It's not your fault Meredith, no matter what anybody might say today it was not your fault. They are grief stricken and instead of dealing with their loss they are getting angry; it's not right, but it happens. It's alright to cry Meredith; you cared about her and it's alright to be sad when someone you care about leaves you; and you have every right to be sad about Susan."

He didn't wait for her response; knowing she would not offer one but instead started the jeep and pulled out of the parking lot. They both knew he had meant Thatcher and she was still afraid of what his reaction would be; but she couldn't let that stop her from doing what was right, what she in fact owed Susan.

In what was way to short of time in Meredith's opinion they were pulling up to the church; she noticed the many cars and felt some of her determination slip. What had she been thinking, surely all these people would know what happened, how could she possibly think it was a good idea to come? Whether or not she had been at fault didn't matter to these people, all they knew was that a wonderful woman was dead when there had been nothing wrong but a bad case of the hiccups. Derek must have seen her start to panic as he held her hand in his and gave it a squeeze.

"You don't have to do this Meredith if you don't want to, nobody will think less of you if you don't."

She took a breath "I do have to do this Derek, but I don't know; what do I do?"

"I can't be the one to tell you how to say goodbye, you need to do that for yourself. But I will be beside you no matter what you decide, okay?"

"Alright."

Derek once again got out of the jeep and came around to her side with the umbrella and helped her out. They stood there for what felt like an eternity to Meredith, looking at the church before she steeled her resolve and began making her way to the building. She was overwhelmed by the amount of people and flowers in the space. She wondered if Susan knew how many people had cared about her. Actually, she wondered if Susan knew that she had cared about her.

They had taken a few steps in when she felt Derek's grip tighten and turned to look at what he was looking at. What she saw broke her heart; there in the corner was Molly with her daughter Laura. She seemed to be in her own personal bubble of pain with red eyes from crying. The sorrow was palpable coming off of her. She wasn't sure what to do so she looked to Derek. Sure Meredith had lost Ellis but she hadn't had a connection like Susan did with her daughters. She was going to go over to offer her condolences when she felt herself wrenched away from Derek's grasp and forced to look into the angry face of Thatcher Grey.

It only took a second for Derek to register what had just happened as he quickly pulled Meredith to his side and slightly behind him; there would not be a repeat of the episode from the other night.

"What are you doing here?! Haven't you done enough to destroy my family?!"

She could smell the alcohol on his breath from her spot behind Derek and she realized he was drunk.

"You killed her and now you dare to show up here, to face her family and friends that you stole her from. You are nothing more than a heartless bitch like your mother. You are not wanted here, in fact you were never wanted to begin with; by God I should have just let your mother go ahead with that abortion she wanted so then I wouldn't have lost the love of my life because of you. Get out, get out, GET OUT!"

"ENOUGH!" Derek yelled and the crowd managed to increase even more. Meredith wanted nothing more than to melt into the background; she felt all their eyes on her and their silent accusations. This was a horrible idea. Derek still held her in his grip so she was unable to move instead she clung tighter to him as if he could shield her from everything.

"She did not kill Susan, and she has done nothing wrong by wanting to pay her respects. If anyone should leave Thatcher it should be you; you claim to have loved Susan yet here you are hurting her family and friends with your actions. My God, you are drunk at your own wife's funeral."

"I have nothing left because of her; I never want to see you again."

With that said he turned and made his way back into the church. Slowly people turned and walked away leaving Meredith and Derek still in the foyer. They noticed Molly following her father with Laura in her arms; Meredith couldn't stop the words from coming out of her mouth. "I'm so sorry for your loss." Molly simply nodded and left the room.

She had to get out before she collapsed and made an even bigger fool of herself; she managed to disentangle herself from Derek and run outside. She stood there letting the rain soak her to her skin and allowed her tears to finally fall. She had never been wanted; to have that knowledge was a burden that no person should ever carry. She felt Derek come beside her and lead her back to the jeep, as she got in she felt a chill spread through her that wouldn't leave her because she realized something; her father might be right, that she was just like her mother because she finally realized why it felt like she had been forgetting something and if she was right then heaven help her because she wouldn't know what to do.

As they drove away neither noticed the brunette that had followed them to the doorway, nor did they see the malicious grin curve her lips as she realized that she knew how to make Meredith pay for what she had done to her family.

She saw Derek sneaking sideways glances at her while he was driving; she didn't even have it in her to give him an "I'm fine". She didn't know what she was other than numb.

"Can you pull over at the pharmacy coming up? I have a headache and need some aspirins."

He nodded and took the turn; he went to get out when she put her hand on his arm. "I'll run in to get them, I won't be a minute."

"Are you sure, I have no problem doing it."

"I know and you're wonderful for wanting to take care of me, but it's alright. I'll be right back."

When she was in the store all she could hear ringing in her ears was her father telling her that she was never wanted. She had to hurry; she needed to get to the hospital so she could get everything done before the exam. As she settled the purchases in her purse she couldn't help but wish that the carousel would stop, because if she was right; then things were about to go from bad to worse. "You're just like your mother.." How she wanted him to be wrong, it really was her worst fear and she would do anything not to become Ellis, anything.

As she settled back in the car she thought about everything that had happened this year. Addison showing up, the bomb, drowning, Ellis dying, Susan dying; wow her life really was like one of those primetime soaps with the tragic heroine that never seemed to be able to find happiness. What about Derek though; she looked at him, she seen the concern, wasn't he the one crazy thing in her whole crazy world that made sense. Was it enough though?

"I want it to be enough."

Derek looked at her confused.

"I have had one of the worst years of my life, and the only thing that has been constant is you. Through the good, the bad, and the ugly, it was always you. I want what we have to be enough."

"If you want it to be then it will be." He said with such certainty that she almost believed him, almost.

"Do you need me to do anything, anything at all?"

"Not unless you can change the past. Thought not. It will be alright, I will survive, and it's what I do best."

He wanted to remind her that surviving wasn't living but he couldn't bring himself to say it out loud. The things that Thatcher had said, his knuckles gripped the wheel until they turned white with his anger. If Thatcher ever came within 100 feet of Meredith he would not live another day. He remembered when his father had died; his mother had been so wonderful and compassionate; and that's what family is supposed to be. They aren't supposed to use their words like weapons to inflict as much damage as possible.

He knew she was hurting, but he also knew she was repressing until she could get a moment to come to terms with what had happened. It was one of her coping skills that worried him to no end, but he understood that some habits were harder to break than others so he decided to practice his patience that he knew he had been lacking lately.

As soon as they reached the parking lot Derek's pager went off effectively ending any plan he had of trying to talk to Meredith. He gave her a quick kiss.

"If you need anything, someone to yell at, to hit, maybe have an on call room quickie just page me, got it?"

She giggled "you mean I can't use Alex for an on call room quickie, it's a good thing you told me now. Seriously Derek, go I will be fine. I promise."

As he walked away she only hoped that she would be.

Unlike first thing that morning the intern's locker room was packed with interns setting up study camps all over. She quickly changed, thankful that her friends had decided to stay down in their secret club house to keep studying. It would be harder to sneak off for a few minutes of alone time if they were here. She grabbed her purse and headed to the washroom. For once it seemed like fate was taking her side as it was empty, she went down to the farthest stall and started rummaging through her purse pulling out the 3 pregnancy tests that she had picked up. Some might consider it overkill, but she thought it was better to be safe than sorry.

It was ironic that this morning she had thought that the most important test of her life was the one that she would be taking in an hour and a half. Now though, it seemed to pale in comparison to peeing on a stick and waiting for 5 minutes to see the results. Her stomach churned as she set the last test on the dispenser and looked at her watch to make sure she knew when her 5 minutes were up.

All the different scenarios were rushing through her head; she was just entering into her second year of residency she barely had time for herself let alone to try and raise a child. Then there was that fear of being like Ellis, and to be honest she wasn't sure she knew how to be any different when it came to kids. She knew how Derek felt; she had seen him with his share of peds patients to see that he was someone born to be a dad, but what about her. Meredith felt like she was just finally breaking the surface to grab a gasp of air and then suddenly she's pulled back under trying to fight her way back.

If they were positive how was she going to tell Derek? She wasn't afraid of his reaction; she knew he'd be thrilled but how did she tell him that she wasn't sure if she was going to keep it. That maybe her mother had been right in wanting to be rid of her when she had been pregnant. She didn't think that she could take that look of horror as he realized just how selfish she was, and then what would inevitably come next would be him deciding that he had been wrong. That she wasn't who he thought she was, she wasn't someone he could love.

Oh God, calm down Meredith; for all you know they'll all be negative. You could be late because of the stress and then you were all worked up over nothing. Yeah right; because that's how her life worked. No she had a sneaking suspicion that fate had found one more way to screw with Meredith Grey. She glanced at her watch and realized that 5 minutes had passed.

As she prepared herself for the verdict she decided that even if there was 1 negative she would chalk it up to stress and leave it at that. Please she thought, just this once; she nearly passed out as she sat staring at 3 perfectly pink positive signs.

Shit.

Okay so she was pregnant, she was pregnant. Maybe if she kept repeating it she could find someway to bend her mind around it. Damnit she had just finally gotten the courage to ask Derek to move in. Surprise, now she was carrying his child. The numb feeling came rushing back as her system decided it was time to shut down in order to avoid an overload. She cleaned things up like a robot, not wanting anyone to find any evidence of her secret that she had just discovered. She wasn't sure how long she had been sitting there; she just knew that as soon as she walked out of this washroom her life was going to be changed. It was a nice washroom she could handle staying in here, in here comfy little space of denial. Pregnancy, what pregnancy; it was just a bad dream that didn't exist here, nope there was no baby, no father wishing that she had never been born, no mother that never wanted her, none of it.

"Meredith!"

Crap, Christina, she should have known that she would be the one to pull her back kicking and screaming into reality.

"Meredith, what are you doing, we have 10 minutes before the test. We need to get going. Are you crying? Why are you crying?"

She was crying, she felt her face and sure enough there was dampness on her cheeks. Funny, she hadn't even noticed, why was she crying, oh right I'm pregnant. She started to laugh then. She was a sight and judging from Christina's expression she was half expecting her person to get a psych consult for her.

"What happened? Did McDreamy do something?"

She simply shook her head and tried to get her emotions in check. She had her intern's exam now, she had to focus, to forget that she had probably just ruined any chance of her and Derek ever having any happiness. Stop, not going to think about that, think about the test. Number 2 pencils, filling in answers; she could do this.

"It's nothing."

"Clearly it's not nothing Meredith.."

"But it is and we now have 5 minutes to get to the exam so let's go." She grabbed Christina and pulled her after her.

When Christina got over her initial shock she pulled her arm away, "you do know that this isn't over right. I might have this exam but after that you are going to tell me what is going on."

"Like I said Christina there is nothing going on."

As they arrived she seen her friends surprise at her condition; thankfully she was spared from their questions as when she had taken her seat the proctor had arrived and informed them how to complete the exam.

The exam right; she looked at her paper and read the first question "What do you do if you're a second year resident and find yourself impregnated? A) Keep it, B)Give it up for adoption, C)Abortion" She shook her head it couldn't say that. She read the question again trying to get it through the fogginess that had become her mind at this point. But as she reread it all she read was the same thing over and over again. She was losing it, wow. She knew it was a long time coming but she had finally broke. She kept reading it over and over praying for it to change. She couldn't answer that, she didn't know what the answer was. Maybe there should be a D) Don't get knocked up in the first place. She almost laughed at her joke.

Everyone was writing, why was everyone writing, oh right; the exam. Well it didn't really matter if she wrote the exam now anyways did it. Nope, not at all because she was screwed, if she passed then she was bound to be mommy tracked if she kept it. If she didn't keep it then she would destroy anything she ever wanted with Derek so she would have to leave anyways and start over somewhere else. Yep it was a lose-lose situation. So she came to another conclusion, she was done. She was done with being an intern, she was done with trying to prove to everyone that she was alright because she wasn't and when she finally admitted it she found she was exhausted. Maybe she should take a nap, that might not be a bad idea. She was so immersed in her thoughts that she didn't notice George sneaking worried glances at her immobile form.

"Pencils down. If you would please leave your papers at your table your results will be back tomorrow afternoon. Have a good day."

Everyone was starting to shuffle out of the room so Meredith just went with the flow. Didn't matter to her how fast she moved, she didn't have anywhere to be. She just kept walking past her friends who were waiting in the hall for her. She didn't say a word but just kept walking.

"What's up with Grey?" George had just managed to fight his way through the crowd to hear Alex's question.

"She didn't write anything!" At their confused looks George took a breath to continue. "When I looked up at her she was just sitting there. I kept looking throughout the whole test and she didn't even touch her pencil to her paper."

"What are you talking about Bambi, Meredith doesn't just not write. She's Meredith Grey, she's fricking royally inbred, the one to beat."

"I know what I saw Chistina, she didn't write, she just sat there catatonic."

Christina remembered what she had walked in on when she had found Meredith and realized that George might be right.

"Crap, she was freaking out before, I just thought that she was freaking about the test." With that Christina stormed off after Meredith; George, Alex and Izzie following close behind.

Again it was a scene reminiscent of the night that Susan died as Meredith walked past Derek at the nurse's station not uttering a single syllable, only this time it wasn't Richard and Miranda following her; it was her friends. He turned to go after Meredith but Christian grabbed his shoulder; "We've got it" and was gone as quickly as she had come. Everyone rushed to follow except George. He stood there shuffling from foot to foot not wanting to look Derek in the eye but realizing that he might very well be the only one that could help Meredith.

"Dr. Sheperd, Meredith, she..she didn't write the exam. She just sat there staring at nothing, not writing. I don't know what happened, and I don't know how to fix it; but I know that we have to fix it. She's a good doctor, better than me and she's had a bad year and she doesn't deserve to fail because of this."

Derek was shocked. What did George mean? Meredith hadn't written the exam, but she was more than ready for it. He knew how important being a surgeon was to Meredith why would she possibly jeopardize that by not writing the exam. Then the answer came to him and he was nearly sick. He had thought that she would repress what had happened with Thatcher until they were gone from the hospital, and in the privacy of their home. He hadn't counted on it catching up to her while she was writing the exam. Of course it would, she was already under stress as it was and this morning, this morning had stretched her past her limits and broke her. He was a moron, he kept making the same mistakes over and over, and the sad part was that Meredith was the one who suffered.

He had to find Richard; if anyone knew what could be done it would be him. He knew that he cared about her like a daughter, and hadn't he promised Ellis that he would look out for her. Well he needed him to keep that promise now more than ever.

"Keep an eye on her O'Malley, I have to do something but I will be along as soon as I've finished."

George nodded and Derek headed out to find Richard and hopefully give Meredith another chance at the test.

It was 15 minutes later that Derek had found Richard and explained everything from what had taken place at the funeral to what had happened to Meredith during the exam. They both knew that it would take strings being pulled but Richard was more than confident that he would be able to get everything together for Meredith to retake the test. With a plan thoroughly formed Derek made his way to the lobby of the hospital hoping to catch a glimpse of her or her friends. He found her friends gathered at the bridge looking down at the lobby and as he peered down to where they were looking he saw Meredith with George sitting beside her.

"What did she say?"

He noticed they all shuffled slightly uncomfortable so he sought out Christina's face for an answer.

"Has she said anything?"

"I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know?"

"I mean that when she is like this she would rather be alone than have an audience so we were giving her some space."

"Giving her space, are you serious?! You claim that she is your person yet you stand here staring at her like she is some sideshow freak here for your entertainment. I can't believe you just stood here for the last 30 minutes and did nothing. Never mind, you know what, I got it."

He left them angered beyond belief. Sure Meredith liked her space but when she was like this, she didn't need space; she needed the people that cared about her. When he got over to her and George he noticed the blank expression on her face and the tracks from her tears. He nodded to George and George left them alone.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"No Meredith, you don't get to this not when we were finally making progress. I know what your father said was horrible to you but you can't throw away everything you worked for because of him; if you do then he wins."

Of course Derek thought this was about her father, why wouldn't he. She decided to take the excuse that he had given her.

"There is no way that you can possibly understand how I'm feeling right now Derek." It was true, what did one feel when they lost control of their life.

"Then tell me what you're feeling."

"You really want to know Derek; fine I'll tell you. I feel like I can't function anymore, my life has become a contest of let's see how much we can pile on Meredith until she breaks. I am EXHAUSTED! I can't do it anymore, it hurts to much. So there you go, can you please just leave me alone."

"No, because you're not alone; I know you're exhausted and that life has been crap for you lately. But this isn't you. You do not give up when it gets hard."

"Yeah well maybe I finally realized there wasn't a point anymore."

"There's always a point Meredith. Right now I know that if you give up I know you will regret it because being a surgeon is who you are."

He was interrupted as her pager went off.

"It's the chief, I have to go." She quickly stood up, Derek followed.

"I know right now it seems like there's no light at the end of the tunnel, but you just need to trust me okay. You're almost there and it will be worth it in the end, I promise." He gave her a kiss and let her go.

She quickly made her way to the Chief's office, expecting to be asked to leave the program. What she wasn't prepared for was the Chief sitting there looking at her with something akin to sympathy; she didn't want his sympathy.

"You wanted to see me Chief?"

"Come in Meredith and take a seat. I talked to Derek; I'm sorry about what happened this morning. I wish you would have come and talked to me."

"There was nothing to talk about; he didn't say anything untrue; did you know that she wanted an abortion?"

He cringed as Meredith tossed the word out there as though it were nothing; he knew how much that must have hurt for her to hear.

"I know that she had considered it, but you have to realize something Meredith; that if your mother had wanted something she would have got it no matter what Thatcher said. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

So maybe her mother hadn't completely wanted her gone, it didn't make up for the pain of being raised by a woman whom took every chance she had to undermine her daughter.

"Whatever, it doesn't matter, she's gone and after today so am I; you no longer have to look at your past on a daily basis. I'll just go clean out my locker."

"Dr. Grey, I did not dismiss you; as for my facing my past on a daily basis I would do that even if you weren't here. Meredith, as I said before I know how hard this morning must have been so I'm giving you another chance. I pulled some strings; sitting on that table over there is a copy of the intern exam. When I leave a proctor will come in and you will complete the test; do I make myself clear."

"Why, why are you giving me another chance; my mothers dead so you have no obligation to the daughter of the woman whom you had an affair with?"

"Your right I don't; but I do have an obligation to the woman that I consider to be my daughter."

Her eyes hardened, "you are not my father." She had expected Dr. Webber to step back, maybe have a hurt expression; what she didn't expect was for him to pull her into a tight embrace and lean his head on hers. He held her fast so she couldn't move. She just kept repeating "you are not my father" until she felt the first tears start to fall. He just stood there giving her silent comfort; comfort that should have been coming from her father. That was when she finally crumbled and started to sob, and he just turned her into his chest waiting for her to calm down.

"You are not my father, but I wish you were. Why didn't they love me? Why wasn't I enough? When will I ever be enough?"

"Shh Meredith, it's alright. You're going to be alright. Your parents didn't give you what you deserved but you didn't let that stop you. Look at yourself Meredith. Your mother may have been a successful surgeon, but she didn't have heart. You are all heart. You understand that emotions aren't a weakness and are able to embrace them like she was never able to do. No matter where we start in this life Meredith, we always chart our own paths; remember that."

"Thank you." She wiped her eyes. Maybe he was right; maybe she could do what her mother had not been able, maybe she could have it all.

"I'm going to go now; good luck." With that he left and the proctor came in to sit with Meredith for the exam. She was nervous about what she would find when she flipped over the page. She almost laughed as she began reading the first question. "A patient presents with Grand Mal seizures, no drug allergies, or known physical causes; how would you diagnose A)…"

She thought of Katie Bryce from her first day and quickly circled her answer and moved on to the next question. It was an amazing feeling.

Derek stood at the Chief's office and watched as she furiously circled answers with an almost smile on her face. Thank God the Chief had been able to pull the strings; he was sure there was something else that had upset her; he could read it in her eyes when she had been sitting in the lobby but one thing at a time. He looked to his right and seen her friends sitting on the stairs; waiting.

He was still angry with them for what had happened earlier, but he realized something. He didn't want to be that guy that was on the other side of the wall in Meredith's life; he wanted to be involved in all of her life so he walked over and took a seat next to George to wait for his Meredith.


End file.
